A few nights ago, before bed, I altered my routine and my brain chemistry, simultaneously. I openly joked about wanting a 3.4oz bottle of the NEST Balinese Coconut Perfume Oil because it’s that damn good.

However, its size is exactly what influenced my decision to wear it to bed. I’m not heavy on my nighttime fragrances. It bothers my nose at night if I spray too heavily. It keeps me awake. Or it heightens my senses during a time when they should all be resting.

I’m extremely careful with nightly spray downs. Oil downs. Moisturizing.

Again, this is why I was drawn to the two NEST perfume oils I purchased. They’re tiny. I didn’t think they’d last long in my possession. So, I decided to test Balinese Coconut for my nightly adventures and leave my perfume behind.

Mind. Blown.

I placed a drop on the inner corners of my wrists, the center of the back of my hand, behind each ear, and the center (outer) of each thigh.

I avoid areas like my neck, chest, and chin so I am not overstimulated by a fragrance's intensity as I sleep.

Listen—

I don’t think I’ve ever made an update on a post I’ve written, but my August 10th post - if you want to smell even better than you taste, take this list to the perfume aisle with you - deserves just that.

I have spent every night wearing Balinese Coconut Perfume Oil, and the fragrance's allure has transformed my nightly ritual.

Things I’ve noticed:

• Enhanced sensuality

• Better quality of sleep

• Happier thoughts before bed

• An elevated sense of femininity

• The urge to touch or be touched

• A desire to be gentler

• Lingering thoughts of betterment and beauty

And, no, it’s not the perfume oil itself that has been the sole reason for these new findings. It’s the enhancement of my ritual. It’s the preparation for my greatest contribution to my day (rest). It’s the thought that I’m a step closer to being the woman I have been auditioning for.

This is my petition for you to find your nightly perfume oil and never look back.

Not a body oil.

Not a body butter.

A perfume oil.

If you don’t have the funds to purchase a luxe oil right now, save for it. You don’t have to have it right now. But get it and make sure it’s good. Thank me later.

xo, grey

P.S. I love perfume oils so much I formulated my own. My fragrance house launches SS02 on August 28th. Our latest oil, Channing, is a must-have.

Some mornings we’re overstimulated from the moment we open our eyes. Some mornings just don’t feel right. Some mornings, nothing will go according to plan. Some mornings we’ll discover unsettling news. Some mornings we’ll cry. Some mornings we’ll have heavy hearts. Some mornings, our sadness will dampen our pillows. Some mornings we’ll be anxious. Some mornings we won’t recognize ourselves.

And for those mornings, here are some reminders.

1. An easy life is mythical. Some part of it will always be hard.

2. You can do hard things. You can survive hard days.

3. Your feelings are valid.

4. You’re more than this moment.

5. There will be times when the tides are low. Savor those moments. Lean into the consideration of the currents.

6. You have to find peace in the fact that you’ll never understand why (and that’s okay).

7. They weren’t ready for your world.

8. If it keeps making you feel this way… leave. It’ll all be okay.

9. You’re being protected from something disastrous right now. Hold tight.

10. Your boundaries are clear now. It won’t happen again.

11. Beautiful things come from you.

12. When your energy is good, nothing more matters.

13. They will have you fucked up. In every lifetime. Do not be alarmed.

14. You were built for better.

15. This is only temporary. More is coming.

16. Pretty girls do pretty things, think pretty things, and say pretty things.

17. You are not your current situation.

18. Joy comes.

19. This is only a section of your story. Not the full novel. Not a full chapter.

20. Don’t feed into the negativity.

21. People are miserable. Don’t join them.

22. Keep your energy clean. Good things will find you.

feel better babes.

xo, grey.

When Rihanna got on stage and said, “She might can beat me, but she can not beat my outfit,” I felt her. I felt that. The only ‘she’ in my world happens to be life. And that bitch is toxic. Unfortunately, I refuse to break up with her, so I’ve learned to live with her, looking absolutely gorgeous while doing it.

I’ve pulled together a small list of incredibly chic investments that will keep you on life’s neck whether you’re on good terms or not. Here it is.

Permanent jewelry.

I’ve always found this to be intriguing. Recently, I had the chance to finally get some pieces, and it’s been everything my life needed. This should be very high on your list of things to do. Because even when you don’t feel like it, these pieces offer much more than you have to give at the moment. You will continue to look refined with pieces that never leave your skin. Little effort, big reward.

Diamond studs.

Get them. Not the artificial ones. The real kind. The kind you hardly have to part ways with, much like the permanent jewelry. A pair of earrings will always elevate your wardrobe. Always enhance the look. Always make a statement. Always proclaim your attention to detail.

A signature scent.

The one you smell and feel your absolute best in. Some take years to find their signature. Some know almost instantly. For me, years passed before I knew. But since I discovered my signature scent, I have gone through one bottle after another. It’s as important as a piece of clothing. Underwear. A hairdo. Socks. Shoes. French toes. It whispers your name in rooms you have yet to grace. It reminds others of your presence as it lingers in rooms you are no longer in.

A pocket-sized mirror.

You have to have it. There’s something so exhilarating about seeing a woman pull out a pocket mirror, especially mid-conversation or program. You know… as if she won’t wait for anyone else’s mirror to remind her of her beauty or imperfections. She has her own, and it’s the one she trusts most. Whether it is to reapply gloss, check the hair, check the clothes, or blot the makeup. I love it.

Blot pads.

Ultra chic. Next level. Incredibly feminine behavior. Supergirl-coded. I love it. Because who wants to look like a dewy damsel all night? A bit of shine is okay, but oil can get disrespectful. Keep it cute. Get the absorption you need.

Dusting powder.

Call me an old lady if you want, but this is uber chic to me. I remember watching the mob movies and seeing the glass jar on my grandmother’s dresser and seeing the ads in the Avon catalogs… Since a young girl, I’ve been obsessed with dusting powders. Not only do they absorb oils and sweat, but they also help with chaffing and serve as a great first layer of fragrance.

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Silk robes.

And silk gowns as well. It’s grown. It’s sexy. It’s chic. The way they glide across your skin like butter. The way they hug your curves while still giving you room to breathe. The way they elevate your nighttime wardrobe. Yes, give me 100. Immediately.

Birth control/vasectomies.

Sorry. Not sorry. I love a careful queen. One who doesn’t populate until she’s ready, and avoids completely avoidable mistakes. Children alter lives, bodies, relationships, and mental capacities. The ultra-chic thing to do is wait until you’re ready —mentally, physically, emotionally, financially, and spiritually. Children deserve more than good moms. They deserve happy moms, too.

xo, grey.

I’ll just say it. I think the sexiest woman is a fragrant woman. There’s nothing more arousing than a woman who smells like her pussy talks back.

The kind of woman who doesn’t spray lightly.

The kind of woman who isn’t worried about running out of her favorite scents.

The kind of woman who has a signature scent.

The kind of woman who isn’t afraid of a little gourmand.

The kind of woman who spritzes her hair and all her pressure points.

The kind of woman who intentionally sprays behind the ear, knowing that when a man leans over so she can hear him better, he’ll be overwhelmed with her essence.

The kind of woman who can layer perfumes like she does her personality.

The kind of woman whose fragrance speaks first.

The kind of woman who starts her evening fragrance ritual with parfum oil.

The kind of woman who writes her fragrance obsession into her paychecks.

The kind of woman who has a bedtime fragrance.

The kind of woman who has a work-day fragrance.

The kind of woman who has a dinner, date night, girls’ night, and fucking all night fragrance.

That’s the ideal woman I’m writing to, for, and about in The Huffington Note. And as a perfumer, on the brink of releasing SS02 of my fragrance line, I think you should take the list from my haul yesterday to the store the next time you visit the perfume aisle.

Understand—

This is not my full perfume list. This is everything I purchased yesterday while perfume shopping.

1. Marc Jacobs | Perfect Elixir Eau de Parfum $99: This purchase wasn’t for me personally. However, I love the way it smells on the skin. I’m a sucker for ambers and woods and oranges in fragrances. This one embodies them all without one or the other overpowering the sweetness of the final fragrance.

   

2. Valentino | Donna Born in Roma Purple Melancholia Eau de Parfum $180: I am obsessed with the Born in Roma fragrance series from Valentino. This fragrance is one I’ve been considering but hadn’t purchased until I smelled it with fresh nostrils yesterday. Delightful.

   

3. YSL: L’Homme Eau de Toilette $130: This one is too good to be true. Bergamot, ginger, florals, and fresh woods give this fragrance a masculine identity, but I’ve never been afraid to wear something that suits the feminine profile regardless of its masculinity. This fragrance fits the mold. I love it. It is clean, crisp, yet spicy and mysterious. They will smell you coming.

   

4. Mugler | Starlicious Pistachio Praline Hair & Body Fragrance Mist $49: It’s nutty. It’s warm. It’s sweet. It gives caramel. It gives pistachio. It gives praline. I’m in love. And as someone who has begun building a hair fragrance collection, I was sold from the first whiff.

   

5. Marc Jacobs | Daisy Wild Eau de Parfum $165: The perfumers know exactly what they’re doing over there at Marc Jacobs with this one. I never imagined loving banana on my skin. Absolutely no one could’ve made me believe I would. But this fragrance has changed my mind. It is bright. And fruity. And girly. A summery.

   

6. NEST New York | Madagascar Vanilla Perfume Oil $108: Immediately yes. This Perfume Oil is rich (and small, haha). My only complaint is that it's not bigger. I could use 3.4oz of this one. Vanilla. Coconut. Florals. Just so warm and inviting. Obsessed.

   

7. NEST New York | Balinese Coconut Perfume Oil $108: Again. Immediately yes. There’s coconut. There’s musk. There’s vanilla. There’s fruit. There’s saltiness. Baby, there’s everything I need in 3.4oz, but I will settle for the few drops I have in this bottle.

   

8. Saltaire | Serum Infused Nourishing Body Wash $14: I wanted to love the santal scent, but this one caught my attention instead. Sandalwood. Vanilla. Coconut. Florals. There’s nothing more I need to say.

   

9. Kylie Cosmetics | Mood Stones Kylie Jenner Collection Velvet Brew Eau de Parfum $68: Admittedly, I wanted the free mirror. That’s all. It’s beautiful. I’ve never purchased Kylie Cosmetics, but I’m not mad at the fragrance at all. It’s very gourmand. It smells edible. Drinkable. Like coffee, but simultaneously not. This scent is incredibly bold. The subtle plum and orange and amber notes make it worth wearing, especially in the fall and winter months.

   

   

This haul also included:

• Everyday lashes

• Lash glue (lasts up to 5 days)

• Skin care (replenishing my favorites)

Because a woman who smells good and tastes good should also look good (more about that in my other articles). I’ve enjoyed this article. The content feels unfamiliar but necessary… like the back of the magazines when I was younger.

I hope this helps you navigate the perfume aisle with more confidence next time. If you’re at all curious about what’s in SS02 of my fragrance line, here you go:

• Lyric Parfum | citrus, bergamot, amber, plum, and pepper

• Summer Parfum | lemon, jasmine, mango, orange, vanilla bean

• Knight Parfum | tonka, cedar, vanilla orchid, cacao, tangerine, and bergamot

• Channing Parfum Oil | amber, vanilla, driftwood, and saffron.

Lyric + Summer are my official summer scents. As the weather begins to cool, I will be wearing the cap off my personal bottle of Knight.

HuffingtonFragranceHouse.com (August 28th)

Goodnight girls.

xo, grey.

P.S. Let the vain summer continue.

But what if I told you that’s not always the case?

What if I told you 10 microscopic habits can create a more confident version of the woman you were?

Ten.

Microscopic.

Instant.

Instead of trying to convince you, let me explain so that you can begin. I want you unstoppable by noon.

And don’t fret. This is no Cinderella story. You won’t lose your magic when the lunch bell sounds at twelve.

1. Choose your color palette. Go through your photos and find ten pictures when you felt/looked your best. There will be a pattern. Most times, colors will begin to repeat themselves. You’ll notice how lovely blue looks on you or how red turns heads. Even yours. Write down the colors from each photo. The top 3-4 colors are yours. While I’d suggest you get rid of any pieces in your wardrobe that aren’t part of this palette, I don’t want to scare you away. Keep your threads, but begin to work more of your favorites into the wardrobe while purging the others. Once your palette is finalized, wear it. Wear it every day. Wear it every night. Wear it every evening.

2. Oil pulling or teeth whitening strips. Every night. Don’t skip a night. Your smile is one of the first things someone sees—near or far. Sometimes, the lack of confidence you experience is a result of your personal insecurities pertaining to your teeth. The discoloration, the puffiness of your gums, etc. Clean up your smile by giving it the same attention you give other parts of your body you want to change.

3. Take a walk every day. Not only will it free your mind, but it will build discipline. It will build healthy habits. It will help you burn unwanted calories. It will give you time alone. You’ll feel good. You’ll look even better. The trust you will begin to build with the inner voice in your head will be priceless. Sometimes, there are so many people (strangers on the socials) in your head that you can’t hear your own voice. Quiet them with a 30-60 minute walk.

4. Start saving. It doesn’t have to be $500 a month. It doesn’t have to be $300 a month. Take a minute, sit down, do the math, and find out what’s possible. Once you’ve determined a number and a frequency, begin to add to your savings. Never miss a month, week, or bi-week. If so, double the next round.

5. No scroll policy. Implement a no-scroll policy on weekdays. It’s so easy to fall into the habit of scrolling social media weekly, every time you get a break, but you don’t have to. Social media is forcing us into a cycle of mind-fucks that are shrinking our attention span so rapidly that small tasks like cooking now require entertainment or frequent stops to check the socials. If you don’t have the willpower to stop scrolling on weekdays, then create a list of non-negotiables. Ex: No scroll while cooking. No scroll while at work. No scroll while in the bathroom. No scroll while watching a movie. Win your brain over again. Use your hands. Find a hobby. Rest. Anything but scroll.

6. Create a nightly ritual. Not a routine. A ritual. Something that caters to your needs and helps you recover from the day’s hardships. This ritual will be your center. It will help you release what doesn’t belong to you and remember what does. It will recenter you every night, preparing you for the world the next day. (Can include a bubble bath on Wednesdays… A mixed drink on Thursdays. Dinner in bed on Tuesdays. Full skincare routine on Mondays and Fridays. That one Huffington Fragrance House Parfum Oil on the skin before bed. Whitening strips. Pin curling hair. Listening to Jazz on Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Sundays. Sade on Mondays. An episode of that new show every Friday night. Silk pajamas on Sunday. Reading Substack on Sunday nights.)

7. Reducing impact to your nervous system. STOP RUNNING BEHIND everywhere you go. It’s you. I promise. Tardiness will send your confidence through the floor more times than not. Because, yes, the outfit is gorgeous, but the event will be over in five minutes. Carve out the time you need to be sure you’re no more than ten minutes late to any function. And then add an hour because something will likely go wrong. Oil on your blouse, a tear in your stockings, or a lost shoe, or traffic, a fit malfunction, or a makeup disaster.

8. Remember names. Remember details. Remember what they last said. Learn to contribute to conversations. It’s chic. It’s thoughtful. It’s considerate. I’ve explained this in ‘to the girls who desire to be sickeningly feminine’ ep 1.

9. Stop overexplaining. Seriously. Say it and leave it. There’s no need to explain, because then you’ll overexplain. And then you’ll talk too much. And then you’ll feel like a fish that has been cut down the center. You’ll regret your words as they tumble from your lips and a long time after.

10. Remain studious. Teach yourself. And be willing to learn when someone is sharing information you didn’t have beforehand. Knowledge is a prominent portion of the foundation of a truly confident woman—not one performing. Continued education deserves the confidence that accompanies it.

Bonus: Stop attaching age to accomplishments. By thirty, you should be doing whatever your timeline, financial circumstances, energy, and alignment allow, not what that other thirty-year-old is doing. Your timeline isn’t theirs. That would just be boring and predictable.

And there you have it. Tiny, tiny habits that will change the way you walk, talk, and behave by noon tomorrow.

Before you go, do me a favor… Tell me one habit that augments your confidence every day. The one you’re not willing to compromise. The one that you refuse to forget.

Additionally:

1. Routine makeup look (full face or natural or no make-up, makeup look)

2. Keep your hair presentable.

3. Invest in your skincare.

4. Say no.

5. Reclaim your energy/time.

6. A gym membership (that you actually use).

7. Monthly solo dates (preferably dinner).

8. Buying flowers weekly.

9. Seeing an orthodontist.

10. Ending relationships that no longer serve you.

11. Develop a dependable weekly routine.

12. Speak up at the nail salon, hair salon, or wax spot.

13. A signature scent.

14. A membership at your favorite place.

15. Traveling (well-traveled).

16. Knowing a second language.

Chop off the hair.

Change the city.

Change the career.

Enroll in those classes.

Seek the new degree.

Visit that country alone.

Change routes.

Change hair colors.

Change the wardrobe.

Change peers.

Change churches.

Change the heart.

Change the mind.

Change the life.

She’s dicey. She’s unpredictable. She’s often second-born. And risks and rewards are equally yoked for her. Neither is greater than the other.

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I am her, and if I were to make a list for the women who want to become her, then here’s how it would read:

1. Every day of the week is fuck everybody day.

This is not a drill. Seriously, fuck everyone. To become the change you desire, you must first understand that the opinions of others do not hold relevancy in your court. Worrying about others will keep you where you are. I haven’t given a single fuck since I was a young girl. A kid. A child. And, til this day, I’m still wondering if I’ll ever have a fuck to give. I highly doubt it.

Sunday. Monday. Tuesday. Wednesday. Thursday. Friday. Saturday. Sunday.

Never skip a day. If you do, you’ll regret it.

2. Pretend.

The moment you realize you want to become a better version of yourself, don’t wait. Start immediately. Speak as she would. Shop as she would. Laugh as she would. Write as she would. Travel as she would. Dress as she would.

Look like her. Act like her. Become her.

Practice makes perfect. Before I became the woman I am today, I auditioned daily for the role. Eventually, it became mine. Permanently if I chose it. However, because I am addicted to change, I am always striving to be a better version of myself.

3. Hold yourself accountable.

Talk to yourself. Take full responsibility for the person you are today. Understand that the only way for true change to happen is to be honest about where you are and where you want to be. Do not be afraid to look in the mirror. Do not be afraid to face the person staring back at you.

4. What you say to yourself matters most.

When the lights are off, and the comforter clings to your skin, the thoughts that arise are the ones that will fuel change. Or regression. Or stagnation. Or defeat. You must find the courage and the strength to remind yourself of where you are trying to go and how beautiful it’ll be once you get there. Think positively even when it’s not the easiest thing to do. Tell yourself more often than not that change is coming and patience is part of the process.

5. Track your habits.

Accountability is such a big part of this journey. You’ll need it every step of the way. Tracking your habits keeps you informed and helps you better understand where you began to go astray, how easily distracted you are, or how well you are doing. It also boosts your confidence when you see changes being made right before your eyes, even when they’re too small for you to notice.

6. Action.

Most changes occur when the words stop. Because the more someone talks about a change they’re about to make, the more I am certain they’re trying to convince themselves they should make it. The more they try to convince themselves, the more reasons they’ll find to believe otherwise.

The best way to tackle change is by creating actionable steps that will keep you quiet and BUSY. Don’t spend three weeks talking about a change that could’ve happened in two weeks. Don’t spend a month thinking about a change that could’ve taken six days. Don’t go to bed every night for a year dreaming about a change that would’ve taken ninety days.

Get a pen. Get some paper. Make an actionable plan that will keep you on track for change. Make sure you fill it with simple and complex action steps. This helps to keep you from feeling like you’re drowning in to-dos. It can be discouraging otherwise.

7. Never be afraid to unlearn.

It is the fastest form of change. The direct route. No shortcuts. No extra turns. A straight shot. Unlearning behaviors, habits, words, etc. that you’re acclimated with can be challenging. To untrain the brain is never an easy task. But, boy, is it a life-altering task.

8. Cry.

And, I mean ugly cry. I’ve never finished crying as the same person I started crying as. I’m instantly different. I didn’t make these rules. It just happens this way.

Along the path to change will be tears. Because change is scary and hard and altering and soul-stirring and uncertain and daunting. It’s not always fun. Sometimes it’s emotional and carries so much weight that you can barely keep your head high and your mouth above water.

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9. Don’t give up.

You owe yourself change. Not the kind that just happens. Like the seasons and the weather and the rain and the age and the mobility and the wrinkles. No. The intentional kind. The one that steadily drums against your chest as you wait for it to arrive. The kind that builds character. The kind that adds layers. The kind that should be written in history books. The kind that makes life worth living.

And the only way this change will come is if you refuse to give up. The fight in your heart must mirror the one in your mind and in your limbs. Because there will be so many times you’ll want to forget the idea of change even existed in your brain. When your heart can’t fight any longer, your limbs will. When your mind can’t fight any longer, your heart will. When your limbs can’t fight any longer, your mind will. Just make sure they’re not giving up simultaneously.

10. Find someone ready for change too.

There have been so many times I’ve wanted to change something in my life and was prepared to make the changes alone. However, the mere mention of the change to my friend, child, mother, sibling, and I realized I didn’t have to make the change alone. Because they were considering the change, too, and needed the extra push your presence gave.

No one has to hold you accountable but YOU. However, having a second vote of confidence always helps.

11. Remember your why.

The change hardly ever matters. Again, change is so common that we hardly notice it sometimes. It’s always in our faces, but somehow we’re still blind to just how abundant it truly is.

This is the reason your why matters. Why you decided to go on the diet matters more than the diet. Why you decided to begin taking morning walks is more important than the walk. Why you stopped scrolling at night matters more than the scroll. Why you returned an overpriced car matters more than the price. Why you stopped drinking sodas matters more than the sodas.

Remembering your why is the foundation of your change. Never forget it.

12. Be okay with being a first as much as a last.

You will be the first to do many things. Breaking cycles is one of the number one reasons for initiating change. One wants to separate themselves from what was and begin to move toward what could be. This comes through discipline, strength, and the audacity to do it first.

Often, however, you will be the last to make the change. And it is just as important as being the first because they are often parallel.

Ex. Running a 5k race for the first time as a generational procrastinator who was born into a family that doesn’t value health. Yes, you might be the last one to complete the race, but a cycle has been broken, and you’re the first in your family who didn’t shelve your health.

Revisit these affirmations.

1. Change starts with me.

2. I am not where I want to be, but I am far from where I started.

3. Discipline will get me to places my strength can’t.

4. Things will be different soon, and I won’t feel the weight I’m carrying right now.

5. It can start with me.

6. Consistency will be my life partner.

7. I can do the things I put my mind to.

8. It’s tough, but I’m tougher.

9. I deserve everything this change will bring me.

10. Seasons are necessary.

11. Soon, I’ll harvest from the changes I’ve made to my garden.

12. No one else is responsible for the changes I desire.

13. I am not a victim.

14. Small changes can make big impacts.

15. I belong where I’m headed.

16. My fight won’t end until the change has happened.

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Today, Substack notified me of my bestseller status. I felt it was the perfect time to announce something I’ve been working on for a few days now. Since I offered a supportive subscription (because I won’t be charging for my writing), I’ve been wondering how I can repay those who have shown interest and have been supporting this Substack while receiving the same content everyone receives… Well, I have a solution.

The Huffington Tapes:

—video/audio representation of ‘The Huffington Note’. this means, occasional audio and/or video uploads that address or expand on topics highlighted in the huffington note articles. the first audio/video releases on september 1. this section of ‘The Huffington Note’ will only be available to paid subscribers.

—audio/videos include:

1. poetry

2. girl/girl convos

3. article expansion

4. narrated posts (mostly fiction)

Remember: The writing on this Substack is FREE. For those who care to support my creativity can do so by subscribing below. Occasionally, you will receive something special.

Subscribe now

But I beg to differ. Well, not quite beg. I don’t recall begging for anything in my life. It’s rather tasteless, frankly. So, let’s retrace. What I meant was… I disagree.

Snobby.

Conceited.

Selfish.

Haughty.

Unorthodox.

I’d accept those. But I’d also challenge what she’s being compared to or who she’s being compared to. Because history also says that women are meant to be servants caretakers of the home, the husband, the children, and the family structure.

Judging by the parameters history has placed around the idea of what or who a woman is, then the world would like you to believe vain women are useless, troublesome, and difficult. But, truthfully, she’s in tune with the one person she was supposed to forget while continuing to fuel the lifestyle, ego, image, structure, and fire of others.

She’s aware.

Self-aware.

She’s a wanderer.

She’s a wonder.

She’s rare.

And the idea of her existence makes the hairs on the back of necks stand. She rubs most the wrong way. Others want to be her or be next to her or be with her or strip her of the power she possesses.

It’s not her words or her accolades that precede her. Neither is it her position or status or financials. It’s not about where she’s been or what she’s done or what she’s seen. It’s about one thing— One very important thing to her. One that is prioritized day and night and evening and afternoon and wee hours.

It’s her beauty.

And while that might sound senseless, it makes perfect sense. To me.

Without ever saying the words to me, my mother demonstrated one thing that I carry with me like a shield of honor.

How you show up matters more than what you’re saying, how you’re doing, or what you’ve done. If you don’t present yourself well, no one is going to care about anything that comes from your mouth or how much better than the next person you can get the job done. Show up your best self, every time. Everywhere.

That was never said to me, but it was translated through my mother’s actions. And that has led me to believe that vain girls are the best kind of special. They’re a lovely kind of woman. They’re a rare species. While the world wants them to remain endangered, I am doing my part to make sure they aren’t.

So, I dedicate this series to the girls who can’t stand to miss a nail appointment, never ‘throws’ something on, creates her entire schedule around her maintenance appointments, hunts down their estheticians, has a forty-step skincare routine, understands fashion, dresses according to their build, wardrobes are filled with flattering pieces, are always put together, study looks, can put together a killer fit with their eyes partially closed, smell as good as they look, and turn every head in the room when they walk in–unintentionally. Because we don’t do it for everyone else. We actually do it for ourselves.

When I became a woman (because it didn’t happen at 18 like the law would have you believe or at 21 when the bar is yours to have), there weren’t fireworks and applause. Neither were there bells and awards.

Actually, there was silence and a deep, profound feeling of self-awareness. The realization hit me like a violin just a few feet away, belting my favorite slow jams, so perfectly and so intentionally.

I was heavily moisturized, on my second layer of perfume, and sliding on the one thing I love more than perfume—jewelry.

The hairs on my arms and back and neck stood. My body tingled. My eyes pricked with salty, uncried tears that never fell. A smile stretched my lips across my face, and I choked.

I choked out a deep, resonating breath of disclosure. For I was no longer a kid. No longer wondering if I was truly a woman, inside and out. No longer waiting for the bills, children, home, or lifestyle to confirm my closeness to womanhood.

I was there.

Finally. It was silky skin, layers of my favorite fragrance, and accessories that told me so. Nothing big. Nothing over the top. Just moisturizer. Just perfume. Just accessories. And the freedom to wear as much as I wanted to, buy as much as I wanted to, have as much as I wanted to, and take as much time as I wanted to, to put them on my skin. In my home. In my bathroom. In my solitude.

So, it’s only right that I continue the summer sessions with one of those things that made me realize I’d become a woman. A woman that I am proud of.

Accessories aren’t the bread or the butter of summer. They’re both. They can make the simplest outfit unforgettable. They aren’t optional this summer. They’re required, and I have created a list of the ones you should invest in.

Images aren’t included, but they have been sourced from Pinterest. Here’s the board.

Scarves/Scarfs

So underrated, so necessary. Not every day will be a fabulous hair day. Not every outfit will pop. Not every wind will be quiet every day. For this, we need scarves. All colors. All patterns. All kinds. They’re truly the hidden treasures of summers.

Rings

My absolute favorite. You’ll often see me with one on each finger. Simpler days and the Cartier pieces are enough. However, there will never be a day that I won’t have rings on. If so, I’m likely unwell. Rings elevate your presence. Not only do they add flair, but they contribute so much to your aesthetic. They do so much heavy lifting and are so versatile. Not only can they turn a dull outfit into a moment, but they also carry the weight of unforgettable fits, giving them the push they need to be considered APPALLING.

Bracelets + Watches

I’d like to copy and paste the section above because bracelets/watches and rings are one and the same. They allude to richness. They tell those who encounter you… she cares… she knows… she’s tasteful… she’s aware… she’s iconic.

A good watch and bracelet combo are undefeated. It’s sickening. It’s timeless. It’s chic.

Necklaces

Whether dainty or blinding, there’s something to be said about necklaces in the summer. Gold against the sexy, dewy summer skin is just too good to pass on.

Stacks or a single, thin chain. They all work.

Anklets

Listen, don’t fear. Take it a step further. There’s something ultra-chic about the woman who wears an anklet. It’s not often you see them, but a double-take is almost always the result. A woman in an anklet lets me know a few things about her without even knowing her name.

She’s hot.

She’s cool.

She has a few rituals that not even her pastor can force her to break.

She has boundaries, whether soft or stern.

Earrings

Don’t leave the house without them. Just like rings, earrings can completely transform an ordinary outfit. Keep costume earrings for the moments you want to enhance your look. For the day-to-day, a pair of genuine diamond earrings will be just enough.

Belts (waist chains)

I was headed to a concert in a monochrome look. It was cute, especially with the shoes I’d chosen. However, I couldn’t help but feel like I was missing something.

The rings were on my fingers. The earrings were in my ears. The bracelets… everything was there. Still, something was missing. I searched my accessories, hoping something would stand out and grab my attention.

I didn’t have to wait long. A purse chain I planned to add to my LV wallet for a bit of flair fell underneath my nails. I snatched it up, along with a scarf.

Insta-love.

My look had managed to climb six levels. I don’t purchase belts for their intended use (keeping your pants up). I purchase them as accessories. If it can’t enhance my wardrobe, it doesn’t belong in it. Simple rules.

Sunglasses

Aside from protecting your eyes from the sun, sunnies are a good time. They are a vibe. They are a mood. They are stars in the show.

Pro-Tip: For the girls who wear glasses, get your prescription on transitional lenses and thank yourself later.

Seeing a woman in sunnies makes my heart smile. Cause… immediately yes, girlfriend.

Handbags

Oh honey, make sure your lineup is stacked. If nothing else, make sure there are three black bags (oversized, clutch, and a crossbody), a woven bag, a bucket bag, a beach bag, and an overnight bag in your closet.

And, if nothing else, make sure your concert and nightlife bags are TOP TIER. Learn from my mistakes.

I was in Houston, TX a few years ago. All the men had brought their significant others. It was a last-minute trip, so I tossed everything I thought I’d need in my suitcase. When it came down to the clutch for the night activities, I was lazy. I decided to remove the strap of my everyday bag and disguise it as an evening/night bag.

Needless to say, I regretted it the moment I stepped foot out of the car. Honestly, I regretted it before we left our hotel room. The ladies had not come to play, and I’d been playing since I decided not to bring the proper purse.

I wasn’t vain. Honey, I was pitiful and hated every second.

I called my mother the next day, and we had a good laugh about it, but I vowed to NEVER do that again. In fact, I’m still haunted by that decision today. It sparked my addiction to wallets, minis, and ‘concert’ bags.

While bags are a simple detail to others, they are personalities for me. I can tell you a few things about a woman by the bag she’s wearing sometimes.

Hair jewelry

The candle on the cake. Hair accessories include claws, beads, stones, clips, pins, and hoops. They are the extra step that is almost always necessary if the style allows it.

Yes. Yes. And, hell yes.

Toe rings

Just try it. I think they’re chic. Like anklets and hair jewelry and dainty necklaces. A woman with a collection of toe rings is a badass in my book.

She’s eccentric.

She’s divine.

She gets it.

She knows something.

Headbands

Revisit the scarf section for this one. They serve the same purposes and deserve space in your wardrobe.

Cellphone case

They matter. I promise. Ditch the old beat-up case and get you something chic, cute, or sexy. Your cell is an extension of you. You spend more time with it than anything else in your world, most likely. Make sure it reflects how you want to feel inside and out. Not to mention it’s an awesome conversation starter.

When I see a woman with a pretty phone case, she’s instantly a new friend of mine. It doesn’t matter if we never share two words.

Work bag/computer bag

I feel the same way about handbags as I do about a computer or work bag. Don’t choose this mindlessly. It needs to make a statement. It needs to say something. It needs to make you feel something. It needs to heal something you didn’t know was hurting. It needs to be BADASS.

Cause girl… Hell yeah.

Water bottle

Don’t settle for whatever the store has. Take the time to see what’s on the market (while not giving into consumerism). See which bottle matches your personality and aesthetic. Choose wisely and accessorize it if you’re into that kind of thing. Drinking water in style helps me get those ounces down easier.

A woman carrying a water bottle that matches her personality shouts chic. Because, not only is her health on her mind, but so is her presentation. A big plastic cup would’ve sufficed, but it didn’t fit the mold. The look. The vibe. The aesthetic. The fit. The woman.

Tote

Not every tote deserves your attention. There. I said it. Don’t pick it up because the internet has it. Find one that suits you. Suits your lifestyle. Serves its purpose. And make it your everything bag.

Hats

The ultimate head accessory. They save lives. Restores confidence. Gets you by until that hair appointment. I’m a sucker for a good hat, and my collection is extensive. I am a girl who dares to be undone. Hats are one of the secrets in a vain woman’s wardrobe. She might not wear them often because her hair is always laid, but the moment she needs them, they line her closet like buttery, long-sleeved tops in the winter months.

Ah. Another session down. A few more to go. Next time, we’re tackling the Summer Itinerary. Pen and paper needed. We’re talking wind-down bars, Sunday plans, brunch with the girls, and more.

If you enjoyed this, you’d love my snail mail club, The September Letter. Permission to pause shows up in your mailbox every month along with extra goodies that remind you of the slowness, softness, and stillness of September. The list is open now. Go ahead and start your letters.

I’m at the bar with a martini in my hand and an aerospace engineer who has purchased the drink of every woman near us sitting to my right. I fully anticipated the bill that would document the length of my time with my favorite bartender tonight. However, I won’t be getting that tab. And somehow that made me think about women all around the world.

How fully prepared we are to do things. Hard things. Soft things. Hurtful things. Fast things. Survival things. Unbearable things. All things.

I’m not sure what part of the woman’s anatomy God decided deserved a healthy dose of willpower and willingness, but most times I wish that part of us didn’t exist.

Naturally, we’re stronger and meant to endure more than the ones with the Y chromosome. We’re built to withstand childbirth, labor, pregnancy, and breastfeeding. And because we’re naturally geared to nurture, we do. Not just children.

While it is beautiful, I’ve noticed how much mental and emotional labor our position requires. We can’t linger too long before the next thing is on our minds or on our plates. We can’t just let it go without fixing it. We have to keep going. We can’t turn off the loud parts of our brain when things need to be done. We learn to recover… not rest. Recover just enough to return to the chaos life created for us.

Women.

So, I decided to create a simple sheet of subtle reminders for the girl who craves a quieter, slower life. Not the kind the internet promises, but the kind that regulates your nervous system. I understand that life is always in a hurry to get to the next thing or the next issue or the next viral moment or the next internet sensation, but consider this article a petition for a less demanding, less condemning realm designed and created by the small moments that you love so much but can’t seem to hold onto. The ones that remind you that you’re human. The ones that make you think… I’m just a girl.

Because you are. And my Substack is dedicated to you. The entire thing. Not one post. Not two. All of them. I want you to have more of those moments, but this time… I want you to hold onto them. Hold onto you. Linger a little. Laugh a little.

When you’re feeling the weight of the rush of the world, come here. Have a seat. Remind yourself, softly, that quietness and slowness are luxuries you don’t need permission to have. You deserve them, and as long as I’m writing, you’ll have them.

24 Subtle Reminders for the Girl Who Craves a Quieter, Slower Life.

1. Quiet hours begin at 7pm (soft DND).

2. The paperbacks on my shelves deserve an hour of my time before bed each night.

3. I must schedule time for my interests. Weekends feel best.

4. Social media deserves less of me.

5. Trade the big tee for pajamas this week.

6. Sundays are sacred: reading, television series, exfoliating, lounging, pretty pjs, herbal tea, new recipes, long strolls, limited screentime, movies, painted nails, bubble baths, reruns, journaling, Substack, planning the week, singing aloud, pin curls, learning a new language, giving plants extra attention, resting, no progressive thoughts, interests, hobbies, face masks, unhinged laughter, etc.)

7. Anxiousness does not own me.

8. Not every moment is meant for progression. My free time doesn’t translate to elevation. Sometimes, I can just… be.

9. My capacity to fail is much broader than my need to succeed.

10. My timeline is not their timeline. Things will come to me when I’m ready.

11. I don’t have to rush. Not today. Not tomorrow either.

12. I understand where I am right now. I also understand why I’m here. And I understand that I won’t be here in the next six months.

13. I don’t have to have everything I see. I don’t have to do everything I see. I don’t have to be everything I see.

14. I’m better than I was yesterday. That’s enough. It’ll always be enough.

15. I stopped measuring my success by others.

16. I deserve to do nothing sometimes.

17. Get the clothes out. For the entire week.

18. Up thirty minutes early. Every morning.

19. I’ll read the pages of my journal years from now and be incredibly grateful for taking the time to write them.

20. Scheduling time alone is paramount.

21. I’ll make mistakes. I’ll learn from them. I’ll move forward.

22. I don’t have to have it all figured out right now.

23. The journey is required. The scenic route, preferably.

24. No one in the world can love me as I can love myself. Slower moments are proof.

Cheers to a slower, quieter life.

xo, grey

If you’re into this kind of thing, you’ll love my snail mail club. Permission to pause shows up in your mailbox every month. The September Letter.

P.S. I’m on my second round by now. Everything looks right. I’ll check in the morning. Charge it to the bartender tonight.

But I beg to differ. Well, not quite beg. I don’t recall begging for anything in my life. It’s rather tasteless, frankly. So, let’s retrace. What I meant was… I disagree.

Snobby.

Conceited.

Selfish.

Haughty.

Unorthodox.

I’d accept those. But I’d also challenge what she’s being compared to or who she’s being compared to. Because history also says that women are meant to be servants caretakers of the home, the husband, the children, and the family structure.

Judging by the parameters history has placed around the idea of what or who a woman is, then the world would like you to believe vain women are useless, troublesome, and difficult. But, truthfully, she’s in tune with the one person she was supposed to forget while continuing to fuel the lifestyle, ego, image, structure, and fire of others.

She’s aware.

Self-aware.

She’s a wanderer.

She’s a wonder.

She’s rare.

And the idea of her existence makes the hairs on the back of necks stand. She rubs most the wrong way. Others want to be her or be next to her or be with her or strip her of the power she possesses.

It’s not her words or her accolades that precede her. Neither is it her position or status or financials. It’s not about where she’s been or what she’s done or what she’s seen. It’s about one thing— One very important thing to her. One that is prioritized day and night and evening and afternoon and wee hours.

It’s her beauty.

And while that might sound senseless, it makes perfect sense. To me.

Without ever saying the words to me, my mother demonstrated one thing that I carry with me like a shield of honor.

How you show up matters more than what you’re saying, how you’re doing, or what you’ve done. If you don’t present yourself well, no one is going to care about anything that comes from your mouth or how much better than the next person you can get the job done. Show up your best self, every time. Everywhere.

That was never said to me, but it was translated through my mother’s actions. And that has led me to believe that vain girls are the best kind of special. They’re a lovely kind of woman. They’re a rare species. While the world wants them to remain endangered, I am doing my part to make sure they aren’t.

So, I dedicate this series to the girls who can’t stand to miss a nail appointment, never ‘throws’ something on, creates her entire schedule around her maintenance appointments, hunts down their estheticians, has a forty-step skincare routine, understands fashion, dresses according to their build, wardrobes are filled with flattering pieces, are always put together, study looks, can put together a killer fit with their eyes partially closed, smell as good as they look, and turn every head in the room when they walk in–unintentionally. Because we don’t do it for everyone else. We actually do it for ourselves.

My best friend and I were talking a few weeks ago…

We discovered we were both on a mission to find the perfect ritual that leaves our skin looking like we just stepped out of a sauna—all day.

“My skin soaks everything right up. It doesn’t sit on top of my skin like I want it to,” she told me.

“Same. Same. My skin still looks thoroughly moisturized by midday, but that’s not enough for me. I need over the top.”

The truth is, I don’t want to look moisturized anymore. I want to look like I’ve been dipped in butter and honey and olive oil every forty-five minutes for the better half of my day.

I almost want to resemble a walking piece of chicken, fresh out of the grease. Because there’s something so damn chic and sexy about dewy, glowing skin that I just can’t quiet down about. It’s the main reason this post is separate from the article about the care of our skin (fully). I can get to the logistics later. I’m here for the aesthetics right now. Vol 2 has no place for nonsense. It’s about the luminescence and luxe that your ordinary lotion can’t provide.

Needless to say, my quest began that day… When I realized my best friend and I were secretly searching for the same glow.

And I’m ashamed to admit that I haven’t shared this with her yet. I am sharing it with you first.

If you’re reading this, babe, I love you more than them. It’s just that I’m falling headfirst for the summer sessions and want to tell them things I’ve never told anyone else. Here’s the secret. It’s all here. Just promise you won’t call off our wedding in year 20493232. We can work through this.

Warning: this entry is incredibly short, but it is worth reading every word. Get your pen and paper so you can write down the formula to sexy summer skin.

Step One: Water Source

A shower.

A bath.

A spray bottle.

It doesn’t matter (but hopefully it’s a shower or bath). Your skin needs hydration before we begin to seal. Drench your skin in clean (filtered if possible) water and try your best to avoid soaps that dry you completely out on this day (ex., the gold bar from Dial).

Step Two: Exfoliate

While in the shower, use a direct exfoliant or an exfoliating glove to remove dead, unwanted skin and smooth your foundation.

Step Three: Pat, not fully dry.

Don’t slide the towel across your skin, catching every drop of moisture. That hydration will help enhance your final result. Give your skin a light pat all over and ditch the towel. If you can air ‘dry’ then that would be even better. Before the water evaporates completely, begin step four.

Step Four: Sunscreen.

Simple. Clear. Spray on. Future you will thank you for not forgetting this step. And to be honest, this adds a brilliant shine to the skin that lasts all day. Don’t forget your sunscreen. It’s very important during the summer months. The sun is brutal.

Step Five (The Magic): Eucerin Advanced Repair Lotion

A freaking game changer. This lotion is ALWAYS around my house. I leave it for the babies with the unbearable allergies and complex skin conditions. My babies. However, it was the closest thing to me one day after we’d had that conversation. I added it to my ritual and my life was never the same. I must add that my skin has never felt or looked better. I mean, repairing while meeting my skin goals is actually skin goals, you know. Another level!

This thick, creamy lotion hydrates, moisturizes, repairs, and alleviates the need to reapply for up to forty-eight hours. Believe me when I say that you will feel it on you all day long.

(A thin layer of sunscreen can enter the chat here, too. Your preference. Step four or five… The choice is yours.)

Step Six: Palmer’s Body Oil

Not only does it smell good, but a little goes a long way. This step is the icing on the cake. This gives you a layer between your finest and your repair lotion. This helps keep everything nice and separated. It is not a necessary step, but it is a necessary step. The girls who get it will know exactly what I mean.

Step Seven: Your favorite fragrance oil

This step—the sprinkles and the candles and the fire. Layer your favorite oil on top. Something fragrant. Something that smells incredible. NOT perfume. Save that for your clothes. Most perfumes contain alcohol, which can reverse the effects of everything I’ve just listed. Alcohol will dry you out. Save it for your fabrics. It last longer on them anyway. Find a good body oil (preferably one from Huffington Fragrance House) and use it as your top coat.

The only optional step:

For the ultimate glow, add shimmer. Golden will always win for me. Huffington Fragrance House offers Stardust parfum oils that will give you a subtle glimmer that shines brighter in the night.

Warning: If you don’t want all eyes on you when you walk into the room, do not follow these steps. And PLEASE DO NOT add the optional step. You won’t know what to do with yourself.

Alright girls, that’s it for Summer Sessions today. Report back once you’ve tried it. Let me know how good your skin looked.

If you haven’t figured it out by now, I’m a writer. While I’m in between projects, I imagine there’s no better way to fill my days with words than to begin the Summer Sessions. I’m actually quite thrilled, because not only am I keeping my promise, but I am doing my part as a member of the Vain Girl’s Club, the one most want to be a part of but haven’t found their way to orientation. Consider this your introduction.

summer session 01: the guide to an ultra chic + super vain summer

Most times when the word vain enters the chat, noses turn and eyes roll and egos are bruised and teeth grind and deep inhales swallow up nearly all the available oxygen around us. Because vain girls, historically, have been deemed useless girls. Troubled girls. Difficult girls. Even dumb girls.

But I beg to differ. Well, not quite beg. I don’t recall begging for anything in my life. It’s rather tasteless, frankly. So, let’s retrace. What I meant was… I disagree.

Snobby.

Conceited.

Selfish.

Haughty.

Unorthodox.

I’d accept those. But I’d also challenge what she’s being compared to or who she’s being compared to. Because history also says that women are meant to be servants caretakers of the home, the husband, the children, and the family structure.

Judging by the parameters history has placed around the idea of what or who a woman is, then the world would like you to believe vain women are useless, troublesome, and difficult. But, truthfully, she’s in tune with the one person she was supposed to forget while continuing to fuel the lifestyle, ego, image, structure, and fire of others.

She’s aware.

Self-aware.

She’s a wanderer.

She’s a wonder.

She’s rare.

And the idea of her existence makes the hairs on the back of necks stand. She rubs most the wrong way. Others want to be her or be next to her or be with her or strip her of the power she possesses.

It’s not her words or her accolades that precede her. Neither is it her position or status or financials. It’s not about where she’s been or what she’s done or what she’s seen. It’s about one thing— One very important thing to her. One that is prioritized day and night and evening and afternoon and wee hours.

It’s her beauty.

And while that might sound senseless, it makes perfect sense. To me.

Without ever saying the words to me, my mother demonstrated one thing that I carry with me like a shield of honor.

How you show up matters more than what you’re saying, how you’re doing, or what you’ve done. If you don’t present yourself well, no one is going to care about anything that comes from your mouth or how much better than the next person you can get the job done. Show up your best self, every time. Everywhere.

That was never said to me, but it was translated through my mother’s actions. And that has led me to believe that vain girls are the best kind of special. They’re a lovely kind of woman. They’re a rare species. While the world wants them to remain endangered, I am doing my part to make sure they aren’t.

So, I dedicate this series to the girls who can’t stand to miss a nail appointment, never ‘throws’ something on, creates her entire schedule around her maintenance appointments, hunts down their estheticians, has a forty-step skincare routine, understands fashion, dresses according to their build, wardrobes are filled with flattering pieces, are always put together, study looks, can put together a killer fit with their eyes partially closed, smell as good as they look, and turn every head in the room when they walk in–unintentionally. Because we don’t do it for everyone else. We actually do it for ourselves.

Now, my goal is to make these sessions as swift as I can, but that’s asking a lot of myself. As stated, I’m a writer, and I am windy. Wish me luck.

Summer Session 01: The Secrets to Sexy Summer Hair

While a mindset shift is the first step to an ultra-chic and super vain summer, I assume you have your head in the game already. That’s why you’re here, so we don’t need to talk about how important it is to shift your thoughts and break free of everything they’ve taught you about the female’s presence. If so, please drop a comment, and I will circle back after this article is in the atmosphere.

Now…

Understand that the vanity of a woman is the main character of this story. This means she’s hardly undone. Externally, she has it together. Starting with her hair.

The Secrets to Sexy Summer Hair

1. Avoid ponytails: Your perimeter is praying you don’t put your hair in too many ponytails this summer. As quick and easy as the style is, it’s eating away at parts of your hair that frame your pretty face. Too many ponytails make blunt cuts, trims, and natural styles difficult because you’ll find yourself trying to fill in gaps the tension from ponytails has created.

2. Bonnets don’t barge out of the door: I honestly don’t care who has told you differently. A bonnet is equivalent to a nightgown in my eyes. Those pieces are reserved for your home. When you step outside, your bonnet isn’t permitted to do the same. You’re not partners; you’re acquaintances. They serve a purpose (protect your hair during sleep, showers, and downtime). Once that purpose has been served, you part ways.

3. Invest in scarves: Multipurpose. The versatility of a scarf will leave you stunned. Scarves can be used to protect your hair (just as bonnets do), while also being a fashion piece. The same scarf you wore to bed to keep your wrap in place can be tied around your head stylishly to protect your hair while on a catamaran trip to the open waters. Or to the concert to be sure your leave-out doesn’t show once it’s sweated out. Or to the rodeo. Or with sunglasses to enhance any fit you’re wearing for the evening. Or to work when you ran out of time to finish your hair.

4. Steam/hydration treatments: Summer is a tricky time for our hair. Make sure it’s hydrated. Every time you shampoo your hair this summer, take a few minutes to hydrate it with a steam treatment or repair it with a mask that is packed with moisture and nourishment.

5. Straightening system: Don’t fill your lungs with flat iron smoke. Instead, invest in a straightening system that will keep your hair silky for six weeks without damaging your curl pattern in the process. Not only will this save you time, but it’ll save your hair, too, keeping it sexy for summer, fall, winter, and spring.

6. Low manipulation styles: Twist outs, braid outs, wash and go, flat twists, chunky twists, finger coils, and the list goes on. Let your hair breathe. Summer is so forgiving when it comes to low manipulation hairstyles. The older it gets in the summer, the bigger and better it becomes. This keeps your scalp free of tension and tenderness. And, not to mention, you can run your hands freely through your hair.

7. Avoid lace (if you can): Think–tan lines, scorching heat, lifting, sticky glue, sun beaming on your closure, dewy makeup… you’re thirty minutes from home and not quite ready to end your day. Bummer.

8. Half wigs: Think–quick, easy, believable, low maintenance, no glue, no closure, easy blend, and protective. The girls are LOVING the simplicity of half wigs. Within ten minutes, you can have yourself a presentable (and super cute) style that will survive the brunch, dinner, drinks, dip in the pool, and dancing all night.

9. 1-2 trims: Don’t forget them. Summer is fun, but dead ends can ruin any good style. Be sure to have your ends clipped at least once during the summer. Keep your curls fresh and your styles clean with freshly snipped ends. Remember, length is NOT seeing strength on any level when it comes to your hair. Cut it off. It’ll grow back healthier and stronger.

10. Keep the braids (with extensions) to a minimum: Sorry to bring you bad news, but braids are not always a good decision. Braids damage our hair far more than many care to admit. Braids split your ends so far up your shaft that a hair medic is needed to save what they leave behind. I’m not saying you shouldn’t get braids, because I understand. However, keep them to a minimum and don’t keep them in for long. Between tension, synthetic fibers, heaviness, poor maintenance, and lengthy wear, braids can transform from a protective style to one you’ll need years to recover from. So once the vacay ends, snip and unravel.

11. Stock up on your go-to products: Cecred drops, curl mousse, detangling spray, heat protectant, leave-in conditioner, shower caps, hair masks, detangling brushes, hair ties (soft and harmless), and more. Reserve a portion of your budget at the beginning of or mid-summer and stock up on all your hair necessities. This cuts down on hair fatigue and keeps you from worrying if you have what you need before starting a style.

12. Invest in hair perfume: Game changers. I’ve stopped using my perfume to spritz my hair. It was a habit that kept my hair from smelling like the products I used to obtain my desired style. Lately, I’ve been making my own hair fragrances to couple with fragrances I love or have designed for my fragrance line –Huffington Fragrance House. Once you’ve fallen in love with a hair perfume, spray your sheets, pillows, bonnets, scarves, and wigs. Thank me later.

13. Create a simple hair calendar: Whether you get your hair styled professionally or do it at home, this will cut down on the stress your hair can cause. It also helps you plan better (for trips, events, etc) around your lifestyle. Ex. Dates should include hair appointments or days you’ll do your own hair. They should include take-downs, deep conditions, when to order hair, what colors you’ll be wearing, what events you’ll be attending, vacation plans, date-night styles, and weeks your hair can rest.

14. Create a lookbook: This will partner with your calendar to make your life easier. Whether from Google or Pinterest, create a lookbook for your hair. Find styles you love and match them with the dates you’ve marked on your calendar to tend to your hair. Having inspo helps. It limits hair fatigue.

15. Decide on your go-to: Everyone has one. Mine… Natural. Blunt. Dark brown/black. Middle part. Find yours. Go through your pictures over the last five years. Your go-to style will be worn more than any style in that timeframe. It fuels your confidence. It feels good no matter the day, time, month, or year. It fits almost any (or probably any) occasion. You’re invincible the moment you meet again.

16. Invest in a good straightener: Not the cheap kind. Not the popular kind. Not the kind you caught on sale. The good kind. The one that’s less damaging and truly helps train your hair to heat. Ceramic if your hair is fine. Titanium if your hair is thick or coarse. Do not skip the heat protectant. You’ll regret it later.

17. Get familiar with your local beauty supply store: My mother added this tip to this session. She says that beauty supply stores should be studied. They have baskets just like Walmart and Target and other stores many frequent. Carve out time to visit the store and browse each aisle so you know what you’re being offered to take care of your crown. She insists on women being their gentlest selves in the beauty supply store. Be curious. Ask questions. Explore. Walk around. Be unrushed. Unhurried. Unbothered. This time should be held near to your heart, just like grocery shopping and vacation shopping.

18. Learn your hair type and what works best for it: You won’t know what your hair needs until you discover who it is, what it likes, and what makes it do weird things. Don’t be afraid to try new products, techniques, or find people who have hair that’s similar to yours. YouTube used to be our go-to for learning about our hair. I’m not sure where the socials went wrong, but I pray it still reigns supreme in that area. I pray it’s not forgotten. Because videos were long and informative. So many people understood their hair better, and so many people avoided mistakes that others had made with their hair.

19. Dry shampoo: Girl. That’s it. That’s all. Get the dry shampoo. Save yourself a little more time. Shampoo it later.

20. Flexi rod your curls at night: Keep the heat to a minimum. Roll or rod your hair at night to refresh your curls by morning. This also helps cut down on prep time. It’s a lifesaver for the girls who aren’t great at curling their hair.

21. Pin curl your curls before they cool down: For sexy, bouncy curls that will last for hours, don’t let them fall. Roll it up, pin it down, and spray it with some holding spray before moving on to the next curl. Once you release them–chef’s kiss!

22. Use bobby pins with padding beneath: The last thing you want is wrinkles or lines in your hair. To prevent your bobby pins from leaving their marks, be sure to buy the pins with padding or use a paper towel. This keeps your curls or your wrap seamless without indentations.

23. Hair accessories: Get them. The claws. The gold clips. The hair broaches. The jewels. The stones. The headpieces. Get it. I promise you won’t regret any of it. They scream luxury and timelessness and poise and audacity and confidence and femininity. Oh goodness, they are my favorite kind of sexy.

24. Stash a care bag: The summer can be brutal on our hair. Just like you have a hygiene bag and a period pouch with pads, tampons, deodorant, body mist, and single-use wash cloths inside… Create one for your hair needs. There’s a lot of hair in my house. A bag in each car is necessary because we never know when we might have a hair mishap. Hair ties, hair clips, bobby pins, leave-in, detangler, combs, brushes, bows, and the list goes on. Stay ready, honey.

25. Make hair goals: Pretty hair doesn’t mean good hair. Protected hair doesn’t mean good hair. Always have goals for your natural hair. Always strive to reach those goals. And don’t be afraid to start from square one to achieve those goals. I want the front of my hair to catch up to the back by winter. I want healthier edges by spring. I want fuller hair by next year. Don’t let your dreams end with your hair. It’s where they should begin.

26. Undone isn’t an option: Understand that you should never step foot outside of your house with your hair undone unless you’re headed to get it done. Even then, it should be presentable. Hats, scarves, twists…

Well, I tried, but my fingers and my thoughts just kept at it. I could go on, but I’ll stop here. Hopefully I’ve mentioned something in this article that will help you get sexier hair this summer.

I’ll be back soon. Very soon. And we’ll be talking dewy, sexy summer skin… an unforgettable glow that will have you looking like you’ve been personally kissed by the sun and the sea.

If you’re into this kind of thing, you’ll love my monthly snail mail club – The September Letter.

However, in my time in this space, I have concluded that there is a group of women who are simply out of my reach. Honestly, they’re out of almost everyone’s reach.

They happen to be:

1. The women who need CONSTANT validation. Those who need to have seen it, heard it, or known it first to feel leveraged. Those who need you to see them and to hear them and to know they’re in the room.

2. The women who lack personal identity. The ones who are usually so inspired by others that they find themselves imitating the very things they love about the people they are ‘inspired’ by. Those who need to have it because you have it or experience it because you experienced it or go there because you went there or do it because you did it or buy it because you bought it.

3. The male-centered woman. The one who doesn’t know who she is but knows she was created to be a wife, girlfriend, or casualty of the male population. Their entire personality is based on their romance, marriage, dating life, or lack thereof.

4. The woman who has adopted the victim mindset (not those who have actually been assaulted or violated in unfathomable ways). The ones who need everyone to know that their lives are just pools of doom and there’s nothing they can do to change it.

I’ve been trying to figure out how and when these mindsets begin to take shape. Somehow, I feel as though they’re all intertwined. As if one personality type can be every woman described above.

It wasn’t until I was preparing to make progress on the book I’m currently writing that it came to me, and I started penning this post instead of the pages of my next novel.

Validation is the underlying factor in every case mentioned. The urge for others’ approval and the measurement of self-worth through others’ opinions and the agreeable nature and the attachment to those who ‘inspire’ you to form an identity that doesn’t belong to you because it worked out for them and the thought that your worth is attached to a role and the need for constant attention and obsequiousness and making someone else your entire world because their presence solidifies your worthiness.

Women wanting to be validated isn’t the issue. Women wanting to be validated who aren’t receptive to rejection (publicly or privately) is. And, unfortunately, the wires are crossed so easily.

Inveterate validation seekers are dangerous people.

Because most will go beyond the norm for credit they believe they deserve.

This is the reason I’m most baffled and stunned that women are part of this group. Our existence is validation.

1. Women populate the world! Without us, civilization would not exist.

2. Women are the nurturers of the world. Without our contributions, the world would look like the first apartment of a twenty-year-old boy who doesn’t know his balls from his ass.

3. Women have supernatural instincts. Without them, everyone would be animals.

4. Not only is the woman’s body a life hub, but a food bank as well. We could feed a nation in a famine… from our breasts.

Like, GIRL. Putting it very lightly, we are the world! There’s no amount of public or private rejection (big or small) that should make any of us believe otherwise. Yet, women still find themselves on the cusp of what’s morally correct and emotionally validating.

1. Fake pregnancies.

2. Marrying men who shouldn’t have even had a chance.

3. Staying in marriages because it’s part of their identity.

4. Being the loudest thing in the room.

5. Bleeding their pockets dry to continue a facade or keep up with someone who isn’t racing.

6. Creating false narratives.

7. Showing up online every day and feeling inclined to join every conversation in their community, even if it means lying.

8. Lying.

9. Studying what works for someone else so they can duplicate it so hopefully it works for them, too.

10. Basing their lives on fictional scenarios they’ve created in their heads instead of the facts in front of them.

11. Catfishing.

12. Always… Always dating or seeking male attention.

13. Finding themselves in the hospital constantly, even when nothing is wrong.

14. Sharing EVERY aspect of their lives on social media.

15. Always farming for opinions — what are your thoughts? what do you think? where should I? what about this? what do you think of this? did I do this right?

16. I seen that first. I heard that first. I experienced that first. I knew that first.

After deep diving (because I’m genuinely interested and keep hearing that voice play in my head that says ‘why you act like that?), I’ve learned that those close to validation seekers are those who are affected the most.

• Conversations are harder.

• Trips (together) are harder.

• Girl time is complicated.

• FaceTimes are vexing.

• Planning is trying.

• Text threads are unbearable.

I needed explanations. I always need explanations. Remaining studious keeps my antennas high and my receptors prepared for impact. I spent hours down a rabbit hole to better understand how or why any woman on earth would seek something that is rightfully hers from conception to cooch/c-section to the cemetery.

Linked personality disorders:

Narcissistic personality disorder | a mental health condition characterized by a persistent pattern of grandiosity, an excessive need for admiration, and a lack of empathy. Individuals with NPD possess an exaggerated sense of self-importance and often exploit others to achieve their goals.

Histrionic personality disorder | a mental health condition characterized by a lifelong pattern of pervasive attention-seeking behaviors and exaggerated, superficial emotions. People with HPD are typically uncomfortable when they are not the center of attention and often use dramatic, theatrical, or inappropriately provocative behavior to be noticed.

Both include those who suffer from an anxious attachment style, elevated neuroticism, and unaddressed feelings of low self-worth.

Linked personality/behavioral traits/frameworks:

The Big Five: High Agreeableness and High Neuroticism are major predictors, driving a fear of social rejection and an endless cycle of self-doubt.

Enneagram: Type 2 (The Helper) is strongly characterized by a core need to be needed, seeking validation through constant service and affection.

Attachment Theory: An Anxious Attachment Style leads to an urgent, compulsive need for reassurance from partners or peers to regulate personal emotions.

MBTI (Myers-Briggs): Personality types that utilize Extraverted Feeling (Fe) as a primary or secondary function—such as ESFJs and ENFJs—are highly attuned to external social environments. They naturally look to others to confirm their relational value and impact.

The People Pleaser: A person who constantly alters their behavior, agrees with opinions they don’t hold, or takes on extra burdens just to secure the goodwill and approval of those around them.

Approval-Seeking Personality: A general behavioral description for individuals whose self-esteem is entirely dependent on external praise rather than internal self-worth

To say my heart breaks into pieces for the women who suffer would be an understatement. While their actions aren’t agreeable, their mental framework is saddening.

Again, I wonder when and how this mindset forms. Moreover, how this mindset is addressed and unlearned with time.

Otherwise the reality is…

The success of others can feel like a direct insult to your existence instead of proof that almost anything is possible. One is often scorned. Somehow wondering, why not me? Even if the words never come from their mouths, the thoughts are in the back of their head and force them to act accordingly. Often quietly. This could result in the attempt to acquire leverage. Great measures are taken.

Poison.

Social media will continue stripping those who are chronically online of their independence. And, suddenly, one’s entire world depends on the traction their pictures and posts receive from total strangers. Drastic measures will be a result of the lack of attention one is getting or the lack of attention one feels they deserve.

Poison.

One’s longing for love to feel a sense of completeness or reassurance will force them into relationships that confirm their worthiness yet demeans every other good thing about them, eventually changing them into unrecognizable people.

Poison.

The list could go on for an entire series of articles on this topic, but I’ll rest there. What won’t allow me peace and quiet is the idea that women have to live with this debilitating disease for the rest of their lives. I won’t accept it. I’ve combined practices that I truly believe will help one fight the venom cruising through their veins in order to live longer, happier, and healthier (mentally, physically, and emotionally).

When someone is winning, CLAP.

Without the need to announce your win or past wins. Don’t go searching for a new win. Just allow them to have their moment, even if it stings. You’ll find out that it didn’t actually hurt as bad as you thought it did once the pain of someone else’s moment subsides. But while feeling those big feelings, be sure to sit down and write all about it. Once the dust settles, revisit those pages and see where your heart turned and how you can avoid those feelings again. Because they aren’t okay. They’ll never be okay, and instead of leaving them unaddressed, you must face them head-on to eliminate them eventually.

When someone is talking, LISTEN.

There’s no need to insert your relevancy to the story or your closeness to the victory. You don’t have to attach yourself to every scenario or situation. It is okay not to be involved. It is also okay not to take credit. There are more ways to carry a conversation, and I think it would be helpful to begin a list of ways to do that.

1. When E is talking about the time she went to New York and met that celebrity. I don’t have to talk about the time I went to New York and met no one. I can listen to her story, and when she’s finished, I can carry the conversation by asking her, “Do you plan on visiting New York again? I enjoyed my time there and would love to make a girls’ trip out of it.”

2. When they’re online talking about a missed opportunity, I don’t have to comment about scoring the very thing they are sad about missing out on. I can just keep scrolling.

Wait your turn.

Your turn will always come, especially if you’re doing the work. There’s no need to pout if there’s no work ethic behind your desires. You’ll always see someone winning who is trying. You’ll see them losing too. But they’re trying. If you never try, you’ll never have a turn. While waiting, express those feelings in a journal. Revisit it later.

Get a journal.

Most things you tell others or feel the need to post online to garner attention simply need a place to call home. That’s your journal. Your diary.

Stop asking these questions so often.

What do you think?

Do you like it?

How do you feel about this?

Is my outfit okay?

Because as soon as you don’t receive the response you are searching for, your confidence in that thing sinks. Not only shouldn’t you ask these questions too often, but you shouldn’t care about the responses enough to keep asking.

Who cares what they think? Your thoughts are all that matter.

Who cares if they like it? You like it.

Who cares how they feel about it? How do you feel about it is the more important question.

Who cares if your outfit is okay? If you felt good putting it on and looking in the mirror, then you’re good to go.

Stop searching for leverage.

You could be resting, but you’re trying to find a way to leverage the last win she had. Or the last move she made. Or the last dollar she spent. Or the last investment she made. Or the last meal she ate. Or the last trip she took. Or the last country she visited. Or the friend group she has. Or the skincare routine she mentioned. Or the workout class she loves. Or the project she’s working on. Or the post she made. Or the articles she writes. Or the shoes she wore. Or the designer she has. Or the size of her home. Or the decor in her entryway. Or the way she cooks. Or the way she cleans. Or her bedset. Or her closet.

Give it a rest. Instead of thinking about how you can one-up someone you love or a TOTAL stranger, how about you make a list on things you can do to one-up yesterday’s version of you? I think that would help. I think that would give you some healthy competition and always prove to be beneficial. Because every time you gain leverage, you’re a better person.

Stop needing to be first.

It’s okay to do it next. It’s okay to do it last. It’s okay to never do it at all. Rushing into something because you’re afraid someone else will do it first is senseless. Think of it like this— if they do it first, I can learn from their mistakes or get pointers on how to do it better.

Get offline.

Instagram. YouTube. THREADS. Facebook.

It’s attacking your nervous system. It’s putting your mental health at risk. It is distracting you. It is exposing and enhancing your need for attachment, attention, and validation. And it is turning you into someone you don’t recognize.

Dangling steak in front of a hungry, untrained dog is never a good idea. Neither is scrolling!

Take time from social media to clear your head. Seven days. Fourteen days. Twenty-one days. A year.

Get a hobby.

Even if it’s sitting on the porch naming the different bird species you see, and learning about them religiously. Oversaturating your existence with the work, life, and energy of others will keep you in the cycle you are currently in. Solitude helps. Learning yourself helps. Discovering what you love helps. Finding something healthier to dedicate your time and energy to helps. Journaling helps. Learn to knit. Learn to draw. Learn to sew. Do something that is not fueled by validation.

Get good at sucking.

Be okay with sucking at something. Not everything will come to you naturally. Not everything will come to you easily. And, some things won’t come to you at all because they aren’t yours to have or conquer or create. Be okay with that. And when you feel like you aren’t, write about it or make a voicenote about it. Listen later. Read later. Allow those feelings to exist without consuming you.

Seek therapy.

I don’t have to explain. Just go.

Admit when you did that validation-seeking thing.

Self-awareness is key to extracting the poison from your veins. Before you do that thing, say that thing, buy that thing, or go to that place… make sure it’s for you. Make sure it isn’t sparked by your obsession with firsts, befores, attention, and attachment. When it isn’t, then check yourself.

I don’t have to do that.

Why does that make me feel better?

Where is this feeling coming from?

How will that help ME?

Am I doing this for me or to continue the facade?

Is this progressive?

Apologize to those around you and ask for their help.

Apologize and ask those around you to call you out every time you do that thing that makes their relationship with you feel like nails on the chalkboard. This will make the blow easier to handle, because you asked for it. It’ll also keep you self-aware when those habits begin to creep in. This will eliminate bad vibes you cause in conversation. This will keep your friends and family from feeling the heaviness in their chest whenever you do that thing you do. This will keep you accountable. Take note of the moments you feel inclined to do that thing, the moments they mentioned you were doing it, and how different your relationship is while actively trying to avoid the histrionic traits you tend to possess.

Don’t give in to consumerism.

You don’t need it because someone else has it. Let FOMO become the favor of missing out instead of the fear of missing out. What is for you will come to you. Otherwise, keep your money in your pocket.

Give the first and last hour of your day to yourself.

Be okay with being the center of your world. You don’t have to be the center of everyone else’s world. Life doesn’t work like that. So, carve out time of each day to work on yourself.

• No scrolling.

• No catering to others.

• No replying.

• No talking to others.

• Just you and your thoughts.

Follow/subscribe to more people who are in your league and a few who are where you want to be (very few).

Otherwise, you’re torturing yourself. Being surrounded by those on the same field as you is more suitable for your personality. It helps you become more comfortable with where you are. Having a few reminders on the timeline of where you want to be helps you remember your goal. Surrounding yourself with people who are where you want to be in life is not healthy for those who have been poisoned with validation. It only intensifies the effects of the drug. More then becomes a necessity instead of a desire. You no longer want the life someone else has. You begin to need it. And that will take you five steps backward instead of ten steps forward.

I guess I said all of that to say…

Validation is poisonous to the woman’s soul and has been proven to be lethal if not addressed properly or promptly.

If no one has ever told you, womanhood is all the validation you’ll ever need. You weren’t put on this earth to second-guess yourself or doubt your powers. We are superhuman. We can do the impossible. We can do the unthinkable. Greatness didn’t stop just short of your birth. It’s within you. All you have to do is dig it up and stop burying it under the opinions, attention, and validation of others.

If they put a tester to your head right now, it would light up green. Because you are the real thing, babe. The quicker you understand it, the faster that poison will leave your system and the better the world will be for us all.

Get more interesting topics like this with The September Letter, my monthly snail mail club. The list is open.

So, I’ve created a list of questions for you to ask the next time you reach for that phone. Save this post or put it in your notes so you aren’t distracted while trying to locate it. Because the last thing I want you to do is lose valuable time with the one you care about for the ones who are total strangers.

1. If we could go anywhere in the world right now, just you and I, where would you want to go?

2. I am most beautiful to you when…

3. What has been the best day of our lives together according to your memory and why?

4. Is there a way that I show my love for you that you never want to go without?

5. What’s your love language?

6. What’s something you secretly love about me that I would never guess on my own?

7. If we won the lottery today (I gave you the numbers and you bought the ticket), how would we split the money?

8. If the world were to end tomorrow, how would you want to spend today?

9. What is your ideal date?

10. Are you satisfied with the amount of time we spend together?

11. What’s one area of our relationship you’d like to see improvement?

12. When you were a kid, did you imagine this kind of love?

13. How can I be a better partner?

14. How can you be a better partner?

15. What are your views on marriage? And divorce?

16. Tell me something you’ve always wanted to try but haven’t had the chance to yet.

17. Where does your mind go when you are alone?

18. If you had a chance to have dinner with one person in the world, who would it be?

19. Has anyone ever hurt you?

20. Has our relationship secretly healed something within you? If so, what?

I hope this list sparks meaningful conversations and you learn something new about the one who matters.

xo, grey

The quest to conquer more, better, healthier, richer, and wiser begins, and we’re willing to sacrifice so much of ourselves to obtain everything we know we deserve. We build the woman we’ve always wanted to become. Rightfully so, our peace is the result of our labor.

While it’s often believed the fight has ended, strangely, it supersedes the tranquility that concludes our quest. It is the constant fear of losing all we’ve worked so hard to gain that forces us to acknowledge the unlawful existence of threats to our newfound softness.

Now that our feet are elevated and our positions have shifted, we can view things, people, and situations from different angles. Things never look the same after you’ve changed.

My right hand held my hair in place as my left hand twisted the black wrapper around it, when, all of a sudden, I was presented with a question that mirrored my current reality. One that I am often complimented for. One that I am proud of. One that I have worked effortlessly to maintain over the years. One that has come with more loss than gain. But I can honestly say that the losses were anchors that needed to be shed like unwanted calories just weeks before summer is set to land.

What are you willing to do to contain the unlawful existence of threats to your softness?

My answer wasn’t hidden in Morse code. Neither was it underneath a pile of thoughts in my head. It wasn’t at the back of my brain. Neither was it buried by selflessness.

“Whatever it takes,” I whispered as I lowered my arms and admired my handiwork in the mirror.

The brief struggle with my hair to create the ponytail became symbolic of the struggle to become the woman I am today. I’m protective of her. She’s the most fragile version of me I’ve ever encountered, and I love her as if I’ve known her my entire life. The lengths I’m willing to go for her safety are no secret to anyone who knows us.

Cut off the closest family member. Disappear from social media. Dissolve my interactions with people who are imprisoned by a poverty mindset. Leave my spouse. Immerse myself in my studies and characters. End a friendship. Check into a hotel for a week. Say no a hundred times. Address people and situations that have wronged me. Pick up and move to a new city. Get on the next plane out.

Whatever it takes–for her.

And, the lack of means to protect her feels too much like using bobby pins instead of an expandable hair tie to secure my ponytail–leaving it vulnerable, weak, and susceptible to harm.

Gaining peace and keeping peace aren’t the same. It’s a truth that haunts us all. But it doesn’t have to, because we’re not using bobby pins to make our ponytails; we’re using them to support them.

Hair ties:

• Dissolving friendships that no longer serve the woman you’ve become.

• Limiting or eliminating interactions with people who can’t understand this version of you.

• Finding comfort in being alone.

• Ending a relationship with the person who darkens your days.

• Divorcing the present, yet absent partner.

• Discovering solace in no-contact.

• Setting boundaries with your mother and father and grandmother and aunts and uncles.

• Choosing not to keep scrolling (social media).

• Disabling your direct messages (social media).

• Limiting certain people to certain contact methods. (Ex. Amy, text only. Jules, weekend chats.)

• Creating rituals that replenish you often and effectively.

• Passing up on the group trip while quietly exiting the group.

• Changing your cell number.

• Opening your Bible (if you are a believer).

• Understanding that you will better serve your child as a single parent.

• Applying for that job in another city.

• Going sober.

• Taking the emergency contraceptive.

• Finding a therapist who suits your needs.

• Saying less, observing more.

Bobby pins:

• Setting FOCUS hours on your cell.

• Ignoring text conversations that don’t suit you.

• Staying home.

• Avoiding phone calls and text threads when your emotions are high.

• Placing time limits on apps on your cell.

• Picking up a hobby.

• Finding a journal you love and telling it how you feel (often).

• Making new friends (who align with the person you’ve become, not who you were).

• Starting a television series.

• Learning a new language.

• Reinforcing boundaries set for family/friends.

• Giving dating a rest.

• Traveling.

• Purging your closet.

• Maintaining your privacy.

Hair ties aren’t hard to find. However, you will need both hands to secure them around your hair. And, when the flyaways appear, a bobby pin will get them back in line.

This was an issue I sent through snail mail to my club called The September Letter. If you’d like to receive letters like this, then head over. The list is open.

We gathered as expected. All in the same building. Different seats. Different outfits. Different dates. I was eager to meet the people my friends had chosen to share the night with us. But by the end of the night, I was saddened by the disconnection between my core group and the new arrival (date).

Her energy is unwelcome.

That was the summary of my thoughts that night, but it’s deeper. It always is. On the surface were big, pretty brown eyes, a flawless smile, carefully applied makeup, and that good, soft skin. Internally, a war was raging.

And I couldn’t help but wonder–

Who hurt her?

I’m not referring to men. If she lined up her entire backlog, I’m almost certain they’ve all had a hand in hardening her core. But that’s with them. It’s hardly that way with us.

Girls.

We’re safe spaces. We’re confidants. We’re magicians. We’re girls. We’re allies.

So, the question lingered all night as she avoided conversation, chose not to laugh even when everyone was doubled over with sore jaws, and sighed every few seconds. Because it wasn’t her reality that I was most interested in. It was the reality of all the girls like her.

The ones who are uncomfortable around women. The ones who are intimidated by other women. The ones who immediately activate their guard when another woman crosses their line of vision. The ones who don’t trust other women. The ones who don’t love other women. The ones who maintain a distance from women. The ones who view women as threats… not allies.

It’s disheartening. And it leaves me to wonder how many women have experienced the underside of womanhood. The side that hardens their core and shifts their gears the moment new women are in proximity.

Curiosity led me to write the words of this article. Because that mug on her face and those ignored questions and that silence didn’t affect the incredible time I had with friends. It affected the wholeness of my womanhood.

It magnified the ugly truth. It dirtied my lens. It ripped away my bandage. And it made me face the fact that there is another side of womanhood where there’s no whimsy, no allegiance, no community, no kindness, no love, no softness, no smiles, and no connection.

And as a result of experiencing that part of womanhood, one is left scarred. Damaged. Hardened. Unhappy. Traumatized. Forced to protect their heart, peace, and sanity by avoiding eye contact, switching into defense mode, twisting the features of their pretty faces, and disapproving of any connection proposed –temporary or not.

Frankly, that must be exhausting. Carrying the weight of the pain that was never supposed to be yours. Dealing with the pressure of liberation in a room full of faces that resemble the ones who have caused you turmoil. Wanting to be a part of something that you know can be glorious, but your heart won’t allow you. Being reminded of what that hurt felt like each time you hear a woman laugh or speak.

So to the women who are feeling the strife of the underside…

I apologize, girl. Though I am not the one who hurt you, I’d love to be part of the committee that heals you.

I apologize for the discomfort they forced onto you. I apologize for the nasty words they said to your face and behind your back. I apologize for the gossiping. I apologize for the physical altercation. I apologize for the betrayal. I apologize for the lies. I apologize for the sneakiness. I apologize for the hardships they caused. I apologize for the secrets of yours they told. I apologize for the joy they stole.

This is your journey, and I can’t tell you how to steer the wheel. But I would be lying if I said I don’t wish you could experience the other side of womanhood where there’s growth, maturity, a village, loyalty, consideration, respect, evolution, laughter, genuineness, whimsy, softness, joy, and sisterhood.

We can’t wait to greet you. It’s incredible over here. Come when you’re ready. Come healed and come whole if you can.

If you loved this post, you’ll love my snail mail club, The September Letter. Every month I send a letter to women all around the world. Every piece of mail includes a letter and a poem.

While I feel like I’ve neglected it a bit, I also feel as though the words weren’t ready to be written. As if they were still developing, still maturing, still unraveling. I didn’t want to rush this piece. I never want to rush these pieces. So instead of adding more to the series for the sake of submitting another article, I waited. It was a long wait, but seemingly worthy.

Now— let’s begin.

I watched my child run through her skincare routine step by step, as if she were a professional esthetician who understands the complexities of skin. With a shake of my head as she stood in front of me, showing her flawless results, with her hair pushed off her face and her skin beaming, I thought…

They are hardly made, but they are ALWAYS born this way. Sickeningly feminine. Obsessed with the softest parts. Highlighting the very things that make them women.

I marvel at the moments when she looks to me and says, “I want to be just like you when I grow up.”

I’m always taken aback, no matter how many times it rolls from her lips. And, I’m always led to ask why.

“Because you write and your nails are pretty and you smell good and you have businesses and your hair is pretty and your clothes are pretty and you have a lot of makeup and because you like perfume and because you have pretty shoes and—”

Each time, it’s a variation of whys, but they all fit in the same category. Almost. My child isn’t telling me she wants the life I have.

She’s telling me she wants my softness. She wants my stillness. She wants my slowness. She wants my femininity. She wants all the prettiest parts of me.

“I want to be a woman, too, one day. A feminine woman. A confident woman. A pretty woman.”

Because I understand she is one of the girls ready to be sickeningly feminine, I have to finish this series. Because one day, she’s going to wonder, and I’m going to have the perfect read for her.

I can’t wait until she’s an adult and I can direct her to this series.

“I think it’s time you understood the philosophy of the sickeningly feminine woman. Here are the rules…”

The sickeningly feminine woman…

understands that skincare is a ritual, not a routine.

My skincare routine this…

My skincare routine that…

The thought of those words often rubs the feminine woman unpleasantly, because she understands that skincare is far more than a routine. It is a ritual.

It’s sacred. It’s altering. It’s life-changing. It’s coaxing. It’s calming. It’s confidence in the form of washes, toners, scrubs, serums, and moisturizers. It’s therapy in a bottle. It’s a nightly vacation to some other place. Some faraway place. Some safe place.

How do they know?

Because they can’t name a time they’ve felt the same before starting their skincare ritual. That cry that had been waiting to emerge all week comes in the shower, the closet, or at their bathroom counter as they massage serum into their cheeks. That solution they’ve been waiting for comes to mind as they watch their reflection in the mirror. The lyrics to that song they forgot existed, yet bring them so much peace, replay in their head as they slather moisturizer on their freshly cleaned skin.

The overwhelming feeling finally settles.

The quiet finally comes.

The pain finally becomes manageable.

The feelings finally subside.

The anger finally diminishes.

The resolutions finally come.

In the first article of this series, I said—

That still stands.

Skincare is less about the skin it’s perfecting and more about the person it’s improving. Because, here’s a secret…

The sickeningly feminine woman understands that no esthetician or skincare routine can undo what is being done on the inside of their body. They know that their face is only a display of what’s happening within.

The feminine woman is aware that hormonal changes, emotional hardships, health signals, and mental stress will show up right on their nose, chin, neck, forehead, and cheeks.

So, the selfish act of creating a ten-step skincare ritual is one of many secrets in the sickeningly feminine woman’s arsenal.

The Art of Caring for Self is a subject that feminine women are fluent in. Skincare rituals align with their practices and promote the progression of their studies. It is another way and another reason for the sickeningly feminine woman to take care of herself.

And, frankly, she will take every reason.

The relief that comes with massaging the skin on her face is enough to settle the voices in her head, relieve the stress of the day, relax her mind, still her world, collect herself, regain control, and reset.

Rituals are undefeated in the life of an ultra-feminine woman. They aren’t part of the program. They are the program.

They afford her:

Predictability

Stability

Accountability

Introspection

Redirection

Honesty

Ease

Readiness

So, no. It’s not a routine for her. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. It’s a ritual. A declaration. A promise. A pledge. A petition. A will. A right. A requirement.

follows the 2/3 rule —religiously

The sickeningly feminine woman is put together even when she isn’t. That’s a rule. That’s one of the most important rules of the rulebook. There are no exceptions to this rule. None.

Sick.

Sorry.

Sad.

It doesn’t matter. Because they’re wired this way. As a writer, it’s in my nature to write something. Always. No matter what’s happening to me or around me. You can always find me writing. The same goes for the sickeningly feminine woman.

She’s always put together.

In labor—

At the funeral—

At the hospital—

At the football game—

At pickup after school—

At the gym—

At work—

At home—

At pilates—

It doesn’t matter where. It doesn’t matter why. It doesn’t matter how. The 2/3 rule remains in effect at all times.

Hair.

Nails.

Clothes.

The undeniable trinity.

• Clothes and hair are perfect, but need a manicure.

• Nails and clothes are great, but hair in a ponytail.

• Hair and nails are intact, but leggings are it for the day.

The feminine woman understands that she can fall apart, but her fragments will not appear to the naked eye. Again, this is not a performance or attempt to appeal to the public. It is a way of life.

A singer will sing whether someone’s listening or not. It’s all the same for the ultra-feminine woman. She is the same whether in the privacy of her home or the boundless public.

She will exemplify near-perfection in two areas of her physical appearance, always, because she understands perfection doesn’t exist. She’s also a woman who knows her capacity. She’s no fan of pressure. And, sometimes, that’s what conquering the holy trinity requires.

Exhaustion.

Overwhelm.

Overstimulation.

is (usually) physically fit.

This doesn’t always apply to the feminine woman.

However, the sickeningly feminine woman is a woman of discipline. Her discipline doesn’t end with doom scrolling, the 2/3 rule, or personal boundaries. She is aware that she is more of a threat to her health and well-being than anyone around her.

Near or far.

She is committed. Even if she’s not in the gym daily, she’s counting steps. Even if she’s not eating the healthiest, she’s aware of her proportions. Even if she’s not exercising, she’s planning her meals. Even if she’s not on the treadmill, she’s taking a walk around the neighborhood every day.

Fitness isn’t a goal of hers. It’s a lifestyle. She isn’t trying to make room for healthier habits; she adapts them and never lets them go.

And, if I’m being honest, I’m often in awe of her drive when it comes to this very rule. I’m smitten by her urgency to feel better, look better, be better all in one breath.

There are no excuses for her. There are only improvements. There are days off. Because, again, this is not a lifestyle change… It’s a lifestyle. She’s not afraid she won’t get back on track, because she is the track.

She has an aesthetic that she is pursuing every day. It’s not one she saw on television or online. It’s personal. She created it. And, she refuses to stray. Her internal disciplinary counsel won’t allow it.

studies the art of illusion.

The feminine woman wears disguises well. She understands they are for enhancement purposes only while simultaneously acknowledging that she’s just as beautiful without them. She studies film and techniques and products as if they are part of her life’s syllabus.

In fact, they are.

Makeup. The ultimate illusion.

Most ultra-feminine women wear it often. Some on occasion. But ALL have devoted their time to the life-long, ever-changing artistry. The sickeningly feminine woman knows what contour perfectly sculpts her face. She knows what concealer gives her the cheeky eyes. Or, how to apply eyeliner under the lid to highlight those curious orbs.

She’s a sucker for a soft glam, but she’s not afraid of a sickeningly smoky eye. She’s not afraid to ask a fellow feminine woman where her blush is from or what highlight is responsible for their glowing cheeks.

She keeps blotting tools in her purse because she understands that dewy makeup doesn’t always look good under certain light. The powder room is her best friend and probably where she meets her next best friend. Their friendship will only last a few minutes, or the time they’re in the restroom together, but it will be impactful. It will be meaningful. And it will leave them both with something to hold onto.

She’s no amateur with a makeup brush. She’s a modern-day Basquiat.

Number five has come to an end. If you’re still here, thank you. I’m gearing up for episode six. Until next time… xoxo.

Why are so many people so miserable, so stressed, and so disappointed these days?

While I am a witness that life has a way of squatting over you, pulling its pants down, and taking a massive shit, I also know that life can be as beautiful as wild flowers in the middle of spring. I know that days can be cruel, but days can be kind. I also know that not everyone everywhere is living up to their fullest potential, but little pockets of happiness exist and keep them pushing until their wishes become their reality.

So, again, the question presented itself.

Why are so many people so miserable, so stressed, and so disappointed these days?

I didn’t have the answer that day as I sat in my study. I didn’t have the answer the next day, as I combed my hair either. But new thoughts continued to arise.

Surprisingly, it’s not just adults affected by this wave of unhappiness. Children are victims too. Teens and pre-teens, especially. And, so are the grade-schoolers.

It wasn’t until my back was dripping with sweat and my legs started to burn from my time on the treadmill days later that the answer I’d been searching for found me.

That’s not misery on their pretty faces; it’s silent, sometimes unintentional competition.

That’s not misery on their pretty faces; it’s a deep desire to have exactly what someone else is in possession of.

That’s not misery on their pretty faces; it’s anxiousness to be rewarded in one year what it took someone else ten years to receive.

That’s not misery on their pretty faces; it’s greed.

That’s not misery on their pretty faces; it’s discomfort from the pursuit of someone else’s reality.

And, sadly, consumption is to blame. Long ago, I denounced the mere idea of personal social media accounts. It feels too much like a stage. Almost everything is performative, intentionally and unintentionally.

I separate myself from my artistry for this very reason. I don’t want to matter (to strangers), consuming my words. All that matters is my message, the feeling they get when they pull open the pages of my book, and how sad they are to see another one end. That’s it.

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I understand how hard it is to separate your reality from others’ when proximity is determined by accessibility now. And, frankly, almost everyone is accessible online. But what’s happening online is hardly ever the full truth.

Only parts of your life are displayed for the world to see.

To study.

To analyze.

To digest.

To hate.

To love.

To judge.

To consume.

To visualize.

To fantasize.

To yearn.

To crave.

To obsess over, knowingly and unknowingly.

Then, the comparison begins. Not long after come the changes.

Words. Wardrobe. Routines. Rituals. Clothes. Colors. Locations. Hair. Makeup. Poses. Interests. Hobbies. Goals. Desires.

The lines blur so easily and so swiftly that you’ll miss the merge if you blink.

My child came to me one day and said, “---’s life is so fun. They play with their parents every day, all day. They even turned their home into a full playhouse. I wish we could do that.”

That day, YouTube became a thing of our past.

Because just as comparison is the thief of joy, misery thrives in the pursuit of someone else’s reality.

I decided to end the continuous consumption of pieces and portions of a life that my six-year-old had begun comparing to theirs.

“Having fun is their job, baby. Playing all day, every day, is their parents’ job, too. And, it’s the payments from the videos you watch of theirs that made them decide to turn their home into a big office where they can work all day, every day. Are you ready for a job?”

“No.”

The answer was clear. Theirs and mine. While I was able to stop my child from falling into the abyss that consuming others’ lives too often and too vulnerably creates, there’s no one to catch most people.

There’s no one telling them to stop scrolling.

There’s no one in their home to keep them too busy to have their faces in their phones.

There’s no one in their home to keep them from binging reality shows.

There’s no one in their circle to warn them against the dangers of overconsumption.

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Too much of anything becomes a problem. We’ve heard it so many times before. It remains true.

And the problem with consuming so much of someone’s reality is that it’s making people miserable.

Not because life sucks so much, but because they don’t have what someone else has.

Not because they don’t have money in their account, but because they don’t have as much money as someone else has.

Not because their home isn’t beautiful, but because it isn’t big as the one someone else has.

Not because they don’t have a roof over their head, but because they don’t own the roof over their head like someone on their feed who just purchased a home.

Not because they don’t have a job, but because they don’t work for themselves like someone else does.

Not because they aren’t in a good place in life, but because they aren’t in the place someone else is at in life.

Not because they aren’t stable, but because they aren’t wealthy like someone else.

Not because their parents aren’t in their lives anymore, but because their parents didn’t hand down riches like someone else’s parents did.

Not because their cell is off, but because they don’t have the latest one like someone else does.

Not because they are unhappy single or in their relationship, but because they aren’t married like someone else is.

Not because they don’t have food in their fridge, but because it isn’t organized in useless containers like someone else on their timeline.

Not because their children aren’t thriving, but because they aren’t as knowledgeable as someone else’s baby genius online.

Not because they don’t look good, but because they don’t look as good as someone else on social media.

Not because they aren’t liberated, but because they don’t take as many vacations as someone else online.

Not because they hate being a mother, but because someone without children is always having fun in their stories.

Not because life isn’t good, but because it isn’t as great as someone else’s.

It breaks my heart. It rips holes in my soul. It brings tears to my eyes, knowing that…

1. The happiness of so many people is dependent upon their closeness to someone else’s reality.

2. Validation soothes the souls of so many, and without it, they’re soulless. Heartless. Careless.

3. Misery is so fluent yet so misinterpreted in our days.

4. No one knows themselves anymore. Individuality is a dying art, and greed is the new sheriff in this town. Because one can’t help but force the belief that if she/he has it, then I should have it too.

5. So many beautiful minds have been lost to the harsh conditions that consumption breeds.

6. Consumerism doesn’t only kill us physically. It’s collecting minds, souls, and emotions for its graveyard.

7. Relationships, friendships, and genuine connections have had their bridges burned by these invisible monsters.

8. It’s a never-ending cycle. Even the babies are feeling it.

Reyna Biddy said, “When love is real, you gather your bones and make supper anyway.”

Now that I’ve answered the question that circled in my head for weeks, I have a new one. But, it isn’t for me. It’s for you if any part of this article has sounded remotely close to your current position.

Is the love you have for yourself real enough for you to gather your bones and make supper anyway?

Because what’s on their plate can’t fill your belly. You don’t like the same foods, and you don’t drink your water at the same temperature. You are particular about your spices, and the beef on their plate will have you breaking your red meat fast. You hate the big light and warming your seconds on paper plates. You only eat with silverware, never plastic.

Don’t tarnish your greatness by trailing someone else’s. Put down the phone. Stop masking duplication with inspiration. Move out of that lane. Keep your eyes on your own paper. Stop visiting their page. Stop studying them. Stop scrolling. Stop consuming. Start creating. Or not.

Retrieve your individuality and create a life that yesterday’s you would be proud of. Because you’re not miserable, babe, you’re in pursuit of something that doesn’t belong to you. Fix your GPS, and you’ll see the sun shining a little further down this dark road. You’ve got this.

Now, go on home to yourself. They’re waiting.

If you love pieces like the woman you’ve read, immersed in feminine richness, you’d love my snail mail club, The September Letter. The list opens monthly on the 1st and closes on the 18th. Here’s how you join —> click.

I’m writing an article from my phone. First time for all things 🤎

Late night thoughts…

This weekend, when asked why I collect cameras, old and new, I almost (naturally) said what I’ve been saying for the last decade.

“I’m a memory keeper.”

But, a quieter, more resonating voice said…

“Because I’m too afraid of being forgotten.”

Not by strangers.

Not by those who devour my books.

Not by those who read my Substack column.

Not by those who consume my art.

It’s by the ones I love and the ones who come after me that I would’ve loved. And, already love although they’re not here yet.

Great greats.

Great great greats.

Great great great greats.

Grandchildren. Nieces. Nephews.

Those who make me want to get out of bed and continue my strides daily. Frankly, none of this was for me. It was always about those after me. Them. They’re who matters to me.

And, I refuse to be a vague conversational piece or an old family tale without tangible proof of life.

After some thought, I realized…

I don’t mind being forgotten for what I’ve done.

It’s who I am and how I lived that I want to be remembered by best.

Confident.

Ambitious.

Trailblazing.

Strategic.

Analytical.

Firm.

Fun.

Well-mannered.

Well-dressed.

Raw.

And, because I won’t be able to, I’ll let my cameras tell my story.

I’ll let my messy vanity prove I paused often.

I’ll let my extensive pajama collection prove I was well-rested

I’ll let my fragrance collection prove I smelled divine.

I’ll let my bathroom prove I accomplished great things in life.

I’ll let my pets prove I cared.

I’ll let my children prove I loved.

I’ll let my wardrobe prove I chose my threads well.

I’ll let the drapes in my home prove I was tasteful.

I’ll let my study prove I was an avid reader.

I’ll let my material prove I was studious.

I’ll let my books prove I was a writer.

I’ll let all of the memories I’ve been keeping keep me alive long after I’ve gone. Because, that’s what memories are for…

Maybe none of this will make sense in the morning. Maybe it’ll make all the sense in the world. I can’t wait to find out.

And there’s nothing more disappointing than having a willing participant who simply doesn’t know how you need it that particular day… time… place…

Because, let’s face it, how you want to be handled today is probably not how you want to be handled this weekend. Or tomorrow morning. Or during lunch hour.

We don’t have time for him to figure it out—every time, because every time things change. Needs change. Desires change. Climate changes. The last thing you want your partner to do is fail the pop quiz.

Set him up for success.

Give him the study guide. Hand over your notes. No one knows your body like you do.

I want to die a well-fucked woman.

If you do not wish to do the same, this post is not for you. Keep scrolling Substack.

Since my late twenties, I’ve been trying to wrap my head around the concept of a woman’s selflessness during the most intimate moments of her life.

Namely… sex.

Studies prove that women rarely reach their orgasmic transition during sex with their partner. However, almost 100% of the time, men climax.

The difference is staggering. And, there’s only one explanation.

Women often shrink in the bedroom, giving men more room to expand.

But, in order to die a well-fucked woman, you must reserve space for your pussy to unleash its powers.

If you’re completely satisfied with everything your partner is doing in bed and you do not have trouble getting to higher grounds, then your read ends here.

If you’re considering opening your drawer and grabbing your vibrator once he’s fast asleep beside you, then keep reading.

Understand that this article isn’t to criticize the effort of men, because most of them try. However, there’s often a learning curve… as I’ve stated…

When that familiar throb begins between your thighs, there’s a certain way it needs to be rubbed away… kissed away… stroked away… sucked away… licked away…

And there’s nothing more disappointing than having a willing participant who simply doesn’t know how you need it that particular day… time… place…

Because, let’s face it, how you want to be handled today is probably not how you want to be handled this weekend. Or tomorrow morning. Or during lunch hour.

____

“I want to die a well-fucked woman.”

My declaration was formed strictly due to my willingness to help orchestrate my well-fucked reality.

I am not a robot. I will not lie down and accept every stroke or every touch or every lick that is handed to me.

Because I understand that my submission only materializes after my partner has mastered my course. Before then, my body is a study.

study: noun

a room used or designed for reading, writing, or academic work.

I am the instructor. I am the tutor. I am the tour guide. I am the coach.

And, our curriculum is as follows:

Module 1: Vocal

Express your desires, limits, truths, discomfort, and curiosities before your back is against the wall or on the sheets of the bed.

“These are my sensitive areas.”

“I’m aroused when my nipples are touched.”

“I am more stable on the couch than on a soft mattress.”

“I like to be licked here.”

“I’m a kisser. I can kiss until my mouth is sore.”

“My favorite position is on all fours.”

“I like the sound of our skin touching.”

“My orgasms are more intense when I am lying down.”

“I am a big fan of foreplay.”

“I swallow.”

“I spit.”

“We must use protection unless you present paperwork that’s evidence of your negative statuses.”

“Wee hours and morning sex are best for me. So is weekend sex. Week nights, I’m exhausted and can’t promise a stellar performance.”

“I’ve always wanted to try anal.”

“Anal is a hard limit.”

“I don’t find pleasure in — position.”

“A finger in my butt makes me cum harder.”

“I like when you eat it and then take it out and then eat it and then put it back in.”

“When your finger is pressed against my clit, and you’re inside of me, that drives me insane.”

“I don’t like when you’re sloppy down there. It feels better when you’re licking with precision.”

“Clit stimulation is key to eating my pussy.”

Don’t be shy. Get vocal about your well-fucked reality. Because if you don’t, you will continue to seek satisfaction beyond intimate encounters with your partner.

Module 2: Virtual

Let’s consider this a tutorial of sorts. I fully believe that the secret to a well-fucked reality is masturbation and the confidence that stems from it.

Play with your pussy, babe.

It is the only true way to understand your body, how it works, what makes it go boom, how gentle or how hard, where, why…

All the questions you have surrounding your well-fucked reality can be answered by touching yourself. You’ll discover nearly everything you need to know.

So, before you teach a lesson, be sure to master the lesson yourself. And, once you have, invite your partner in for a session.

No penetration.

He’s a spectator, not a participant.

Show him exactly what you do to get to where you need to be. Allow him to collect notes. Be sure he’s focused. And, don’t hold back.

Let him see what your body can do, how it sounds, the different methods of pleasure, the pressure points, and all there is to know about his study.

Light bulbs will go off in his head frequently. New techniques will be noted. Additional channels will be opened. And, his readiness will be at its peak.

Module 3: Vocational

Once you’ve given him a tutorial… a course…

It’s time for coursework. It’s time to put his studies to the test. He’s still in the classroom, but clinicals have started.

During this time, it should be understood that the vocational period is instructional. While he has the lead, a detailed synopsis will summarize your findings.

Let him have his way.

But, be reminded of our first module.

Get vocal.

“Right here.”

“Right there.”

“Don’t stop.”

“Speed up.”

“Slow down.”

“Harder.”

“Kiss me here.”

“Touch me there.”

“Bite me.”

“Choke me.”

“I don’t like that.”

“Too rough.”

Tailor your experience. Help him understand what you want and don’t want. What you need and don’t need. He doesn’t know most of the time and has been trying to figure this out on his own. Your silence has been a disservice to both of you.

Open your mouth.

Get vocal.

Get physical.

Place your hand where you want his. Move his hand to where you need it to be. Open your mouth when you want to be kissed. Admit when it doesn’t feel good. Be honest about your climax or lack of. Touch yourself while he’s inside of you. Touch yourself while you pleasure him.

Find comfort in expressing your sexual frustrations, needs, and fantasies with the person who is stroking your pussy every chance he gets. Because, I can assure you he’s going to find his sweet spot and reach his peak every time. You have to do the same.

Module 4: Volcanic

Now that he understands your body.

Where to touch you.

How to touch you.

When it’s best to touch you.

And, clinicals have come to an end… It’s time to activate your volcano and prepare yourself for eruption after eruption.

Now, orgasms are a shared experience and not a selfless act of submission.

You can fully submit in the bedroom because you were the instructor for the tour guide. He knows what he’s doing because you taught him. You trust him.

Once he sees just how gratifying it is to know your body, his studies won’t end with what you’ve taught him. He will further his education, and you will become the student. You will begin to learn things about your body that he discovered through his studious nature.

Let’s face it…

Some men will come into your life and teach you almost everything you know about your pussy.

Others will need instruction. It doesn’t make them any less qualified to handle your body than a man who knows women well.

Your comprehension of this article is likely based on the man who is currently in your world. I hope you received something you can carry with you either way.

Because my life’s goal is to not only be well-fucked but to empower women through my column.

Head.

Heart.

Body.

Soul.

Pockets.

Pussy.

I can’t leave any stone unturned here. So, unleash your power. The world is hardly ready for a well-fucked woman.

She’s confident.

She’s radiant.

She’s undeniable.

She’s unstoppable.

To the girls who are well-fucked, toast to you, boo.

To the girls who are on their way to being well-fucked, speak up, babe.

xo,

grey

If you love pieces like the woman you’ve read, immersed in feminine richness, you’d love my snail mail club, The September Letter. The list opens monthly on the 1st. Here’s how you join —> click.

Cheers to more of those in 2026.

There’s a certain kind of woman in this world who is (utterly and consistently) revered in my head… and heart. But to the world, she’s often dismissed, degraded, or downright hated (on).

Most of the time, this woman enters a room and garners nasty looks or thoughts from half the people inside. And that’s before she even opens her mouth. Most times, she won’t. But if she does, the rest of the room might despise her, too.

All except for those who admire her. Who commends her. Who relates to her. And, except for me.

Not even an hour at my vanity could bring me clarity as to why. I put the caps back on my beauty pieces, secured my sponge inside of my dusting powder, and put away my brushes, still not knowing where the distastefulness is born for such tasteful creatures.

Because truthfully… I want to be friends.

Over the last two years, I’ve voiced my desire to be friends with the type of woman who cares about hardly anything more in life than her beauty.

A vain woman.

A conceited.

Arrogant.

Haughty.

Downright vanglorious woman.

To so many degrees, I am confident that we are quite linear.

While conceit and arrogance and haughtiness and vainness are weaponized against women who are sure of themselves, their worth, their values, and their goals… I find them pretty damn impressive.

I’m not referring to the empty, desolate souls. I’m referring to the impactful, joyous, and genuine souls. The ones who have had that ‘it’ factor from birth. It wasn’t learned, taught, or bought.

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What’s the matter with being conceited as a woman who is the actual birther of LIFE?

Arrogant?

Haughty?

Vain?

And, what’s the matter with putting all of your energy into your appearance or your beauty or your wardrobe?

We’ve given far more to others for far less and end up disappointed ALMOST ALWAYS.

I’ve watched ‘hopeless romantic’ women pour their energy into relationships that shattered their entire nervous systems and left them without a tear in their ducts.

I’ve watched ‘happily married’ women pour their energy into marriages that crumbled like old, stale cookies, even after they tried their hardest to make it work.

I’ve watched ‘highly educated’ women pour their energy into their education only to end up with the same pay as a non-qualified, uneducated candidate or a job that doesn’t align with their major.

I’ve watched ‘working’ women pour their energy into companies and corporations only to be passed up by male peers who have benefited from work they didn’t even do.

I’ve watched mothers pour their energy into children who resent them for working hard to provide better circumstances and surroundings.

I’ve watched church women…

I’ve watched ‘stay at home moms’…

I’ve watched writers…

I’ve watched teachers…

I’ve watched women…

Women all over…

Women everywhere…

Pour their energy into people, situations, education, relationships, marriages, and the list continues…

Only to the benefit of others.

So when the world encounters a woman who pours the bulk of her energy into herself, the problem occurs.

It’s as if she is wearing a big, bold tag on her back that reads…

“Others are hardly allowed to benefit from me.”

Boy does it look damn good on her.

The thing about vain women that scares others is—

She’s always having her way. The amount of energy she pours into her beauty is usually the same amount of energy she pours into every other aspect of her life—unintentionally, most times. It’s simply who she is.

• One laugh and the guys at the tire shop are rotating her tires and changing her oil for free when they don’t even offer oil changes.

• One smile at the GM of the restaurant and the tab is covered. Not because she’s flirting, but because she kept the guys sitting at the bar spending money longer just to flirt with her.

• One nice outfit and one extra hour getting ready, and the line at the door of the hottest restaurant suddenly doesn’t exist. Somehow, those reservations that were at capacity seem to open for her and a friend.

• One sappy look and the attendant is making ‘an exception just this one time’.

• One request and it is granted, even by strangers.

There’s a small part of the world that BENDS for a vain woman. The other part of it CRIES, SULKS, or SECRETLY WISH THEY WERE HER.

The vain woman is not oblivious to the differences between her and the average woman. She also understands she’s not average. She will never try to be or pretend to be. No.

Because she is a reaper for women (average, above average, or incredibly vain). An ally. A teammate. A partner. Even if the feelings aren’t mutual. She reaps benefits that have been stolen from women for far too long.

She understands that women hardly have a chance to thrive/win in life. We’re only at ease approximately 12 days out of each month.

We have periods.

We have babies.

We have fibroids.

We have PCOS.

We have to cook.

We have to clean.

We have breasts.

We’re underpaid.

We’re unappreciated.

We’re disrespected.

We lactate.

We populate the world, and still we are NOT revered. We are hardly even respected. So, that little selfishness that rolls off a woman’s skin in the form of vainness, it is electrifying.

In bold letters, underneath the declaration that others are hardly welcome to benefit from her, I see, “This is my superpower. This is my act of rebellion. This is how I will be remembered, because we are hardly remembered unless we’re doing something for someone else. This time, one of us will be remembered for doing something for ourselves.”

Truth is, we’re the only certain parts of our worlds. We’re the only person we can truly trust. We’re the only person we can truly count on.

It feels counterproductive when we aren’t introspective, somewhat selfish, or vain.

I fully support women who—

Pour into themselves.

Blot their faces when their makeup begins to oil.

Lotion their bodies in no hurry at night.

Carry compact mirrors in their purses.

Runs to the restroom every few minutes to check their appearance.

Only wears her finest pieces in public.

Walks with her head high.

Keeps an extra pair of shades near.

Visits the nail salon so much that they know her name by heart.

Spend hours in the mirror making sure every piece is in place.

Calls her stylist out of bed for emergency appointments.

Travel the world to enjoy spas all over the world.

Aren’t afraid to talk about themselves.

Are up on the latest trends, although she understands she is THE TREND.

Sleep in silk scarves on silk pillows.

Sits at her vanity until her legs grow numb.

The world never has to wonder about. They always know why she’s chosen, despised, admired, disliked, and revered.

The vain woman…

Her rituals are sacred.

Her jewels are beautiful.

Her presence is awakening.

Her smile is radiant.

Her movements are calculated.

Her time is precious.

Her presence is an allegiance.

to her peace.

to her nerves.

to her heart.

to her mind.

to her soul.

to her smile.

to her happiness.

to her joy.

to her emotions.

to her body.

to her systems… all of them.

Her vanity is breathtaking. And, there’s a deeper meaning to her existence than her beauty.

She’s not the enemy. She’s an ally. So is her entire purse that serves as an arsenal for the woman in need of a blot towel, lotion, compact mirror, mint, or hair spray. She’s the secret weapon to winning many levels of womanhood.

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In my happiness.

In my contentment.

In myself.

Not because I was using my favorite products or because my favorite tunes were playing in the background. But, rather, because after a full week of putting the needs of my children, my business, schools, my customers, and my characters before mine, I heard it was time to be selfish.

Ignore the calls.

Ignore the requests for my presence.

Ignore the deadlines I’ve given.

Ignore the school emails.

Ignore the volunteer opportunities for the week.

Ignore the schedule.

Ignore the fridge I once promised to give a deep clean.

Ignore the messages.

Ignore it all.

Ignore them all.

Everything.

Everyone.

Quiet the noise so you can hear yourself.

Your thoughts.

Your desires.

Your heart.

Your urges.

You.

The voice in my head was loud. It was clear. And, it did not stutter.

Be selfish. With your time. With your energy. With your resources. With your assistance.

Submission was the conclusion of the one-sided conversation. It always is. Because I’ve grown to understand that the voice isn’t a figment of my imagination. Neither is selfishness. They’re advocates for the part of me that doesn’t deserve all I’ve put her through.

My nervous system.

That voice is a direct link to the source of my sanity. It is the final indicator that I am stretched thin. Stretched out. And stretched far too much.

It is the final form of chastisement, forcing me to face the internal destruction I’ve orchestrated by ignoring every opportunity to nourish, reset, soothe, pamper, or calm my nervous system, attempting to make every moment of my day a progressive one.

That voice is a reminder that I haven’t been kind to my nervous system. I haven’t been gentle with her. I haven’t moved gracefully in her honor. I haven’t been friendly. I haven’t been considerate. I haven’t treated her with tenderness and care.

And—

My selfishness is the only way to say sorry.

So, even if it’s only for thirty minutes or if my selfishness stretches for a full thirty days, it’s necessary. A new requirement. A boundary. A nonnegotiable.

In my selfishness, I’ve promised to:

• listen to my music loudly

• laugh without reservation

• take long, exaggerated bubble baths

• shower with sex in the city on replay

• explore new fragrances

• buy the bag i’ve been eyeing

• add another day to my pilates schedule

• drink more water

• get massages

• soak at the spa

• lay in bed after my alarm has sounded

• explore the loungewear section of every website i visit

• write as many substack posts for my column as my hands will allow

• ignore things that i simply don’t want to do

• have champagne

• visit my favorite restaurants

• dance alone in my room with the door locked

• avoid taking on tasks that don’t serve me in some way

• skip appointments that don’t align with self-care

• use a face mask before bed 3 nights this week

• avoid my office

• lock the door of my study

• write leisurely

• keep my phone on DND

• close my computer at least 22 hours of each day

• avoid screentime

• take a seat at my vanity every day

This punishment is solace. I welcome the consequences of my actions, because I should’ve known better. I do know better. Still, I allow life’s demands to consume me as if the demands of my body aren’t paramount.

It’s no secret that you can’t be the best anything if you aren’t your best self.

So, I accept everything that I am up against until my system is pleased with my efforts.

I am looking forward to the solitude it demands.

The softness it offers.

The stillness it promotes.

The slowness it manages.

And the selfishness it entails.

My selfishness will save me, and I’m counting on it.

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